Hello. I am 27. My husband is 29. No children. Married for 1.5 years, living together for 4 years. Both are stable. Joint mortgage. From the very beginning, the husband was a very quick-tempered and aggressive person. Can scream in a fit, call names, push roughly. Then very quickly departs and again loving and caring. At first I thought that I could live with this, I loved him very much, but now I feel that I have become nervous and irritable. My husband does everything for me: he earns money, he doesn’t drink, he doesn’t go out, but there are also disadvantages: He doesn’t help around the house, he doesn’t feel sorry for me, he thinks that a woman should love and take care of her husband, and the husband in return. I think the opposite - a woman is a reflection of a man's love .. He always wanted children very much. But there were financial difficulties, relocations, and now, when it would seem it's time, I understand that I'm afraid to give birth from him. I come up with endless excuses why it's not time yet. Everything was complicated by a meeting with another person. He is 33. Divorced, no children. We have known each other for a long time, communicated for about five years on the Internet, friendly, warm, with a frequency of once or twice a month, lived in different cities. And three months ago we met. He flies to me. We are in touch every day. He loves me very much, he wants a family with me, children, he invites me to marry him, and I feel that I also want to live life with this person. He is the complete opposite of her husband: caring, calm, we have the same interests .. He is waiting for me, knows about her husband, it is also difficult for him in this situation, he is not in a hurry, but I understand that he will not be able to live in this for a long time. Physically, I did not cheat on my husband, but morally I absolutely belong to another ..
Against this background, everything became more complicated with my husband, I said that I no longer want to live with him (I don’t dare to tell about the other, I’m afraid of aggression), he often offered a divorce in a relationship, with every quarrel, but then I felt that I really could leave, began ask to stay, says that he loves, that we will fix it, that he doesn’t know how to go on without me .. my heart is torn to pieces. I feel sorry for my husband (or maybe there are still some feelings), and I love the second man very much and want to be with him ... How to understand yourself? Get a divorce? Leave for another? Or stay and try to fix a marriage .. and then how to tear out of the heart of another person? ..
Hello Kira! let's see what's going on:
From the very beginning, the husband was a very quick-tempered and aggressive person. Can scream in a fit, call names, push roughly.
She does not help around the house, does not feel sorry for me, believes that a woman should love and take care of her husband, and the husband in return.
I understand that I'm afraid to give birth from him.
I said that I no longer want to live with him (I don’t dare to tell about the other, I’m afraid of aggression)
he often offered a divorce in a relationship, at every quarrel, and then he felt that I could really leave, he began to ask me to stay, he says that he loves, that we will fix it, that he doesn’t know how to go on without me ..
You and your husband are completely different people, initially you saw his aggressiveness, you are afraid to tell him what is really happening, because you are afraid of his aggression. BUT - something continues to hold you, it’s hard for you not only to make a choice - you actually already made it, it’s hard for you to believe that you can allow yourself to be happy, allow yourself to love and be loved, and not hide yourself in a cage, allowing itself to be destroyed, allowing itself to be afraid of the one with whom you live. Look at your life in marriage - you have cornered yourself, you understand and feel on an instinctive level that you don’t want children from your husband - because you are afraid, afraid of his aggression and don’t want even more addiction to appear - after all, if there is a child, then You will forcibly sacrifice yourself and your life, BUT in order for the child to have a father, you will endure his aggression, humble yourself, live and wait until you receive his attention and care, BUT in return you will have to deserve all this from him. You understand it and you are afraid of it. This suggests that there is an emotional dependence, that you yourself tend to punish yourself, that you initially chose a relationship where you constantly experience pain, where you subject yourself to humiliation and it is YOURSELF that allows you to treat yourself like this - why? why do you hate yourself so much? why accept this violence? why are you punishing? Why is there such a destructive attitude towards yourself?
now there is a chance to finally pull yourself out and give yourself the opportunity to be happy, BUT in order to decide to take this step, you need to allow yourself to listen to yourself, allow yourself to protect yourself, love yourself!
I feel sorry for my husband (or maybe there are still some feelings), and I love the second man very much and want to be with him ... How to understand yourself?
choose marriage and keep it out of pity? what will change? husband change? it is unlikely that he has already shown himself, his personality will not change, he is afraid of losing you, because you are a woman who is ready to endure him and his attitude towards a woman - after all, this woman is not able to respect herself, but is able to sacrifice herself, will he find more such a woman? You have already answered the question yourself - who do you want to be with and if you choose marriage, then what feelings drive you. Marriage out of pity will bring nothing but an even greater wave of irritation and resentment on the part of a man, he will feel that he cannot change, become different, the way you want to see him, he will have to play, put on a mask, BUT time will pass, this is for him get bored and then again everything will return to normal and you know it! Of course, there are NO guarantees that everything will be easy and simple in a new relationship, BUT it will be a DIFFERENT person, a different man, a different personality - with different attitudes, values, moral principles, with a different attitude towards a woman. BUT - You need to start by learning to respect YOURSELF and love yourself, and not wait until there is someone who can give it to you - it turns out you can change one addiction for another - as a result, continuing to hide behind a man. What stops you from making a decision? what are you afraid of? Wrong Step - What's wrong with your choice? then WHAT is a big mistake - to live with someone you are afraid of, from whom you are afraid to give birth, live in fear or give yourself a chance to save yourself (albeit not in other ways, but just SAVE !!!).
Shenderova Elena. Moscow. You can work by phone, skype, watsapp.
Good answer 4 bad answer 0Hello Kira.
Now you are faced with the choice “Go to another? Or stay and try to mend the marriage.” It’s never easy.
Our choices are based on the scenario we received in the parental family. Behavior during the selection of a partner is "coded" by our family experience. How many families, so many messages: “If you are patient and attentive, the relationship will be good” or “the husband should not drink and earn money, the rest is unimportant”, “a woman is a reflection of a man’s love”, etc.
Now you have met a person who is "the complete opposite of her husband: caring, calm, we have the same interests." Yes, in such a situation it is really tempting to start new life. This period of relationship, when we idealize a partner, is called falling in love. It is pleasant and charming to be in it.
In a relationship with your husband, you are most likely in a phase when the idea of \u200b\u200bthe ideal partner collapses, and we have to make a choice: either accept the partner as he is, or leave.
You intuitively feel this when asking the question “Go to another? Or stay and try to fix the marriage .. and then how to tear out of the heart of another person? .. "
It is difficult to make your choice when there is charm: you have been dreaming about him all your life, identification: he is exactly what you have dreamed of becoming all your life, a thirst for integrity: he has exactly what I always lacked outside.
There are many reasons why life with a loved one becomes unbearable - from everyday incompatibility to serious disagreements in resolving vital issues. I'm not talking about petty frictions and one-time problems and not about the difficulties associated with elementary misunderstanding or excessive demands of partners to each other. We will talk about those moments when love for a certain person comes into conflict with other serious needs, including those of a biological nature.
I can tell you about one couple who had an excellent relationship, there was a unity of views on all important life issues, there were similar interests. Young people loved to discuss films, talk on philosophical and political topics and always came to an agreement. But the young man was so sloppy in everyday life that it made the girl's life (let's call her Alla) unbearable, the unhygienic he allowed seemed dangerous to her. The situation was aggravated by the fact that the young man was not indifferent to everyday life. He liked to cook something, but at the same time he cut raw meat and vegetables for salad with one knife, left the meat trimmings on the table and went to work, in the summer the smell of flies flew through the open window. Coming to the apartment, he never took off his street shoes, put dirty dishes in the bookcase ... There were many features of the young man's behavior in everyday life that simply plagued Alla. She tried to put everything in order, but it took too much time and effort - every day she had to do almost a general cleaning. Exhortations, requests, and reproaches had little effect. The young man listened to his beloved, tried to do as she wanted, but this led only to insignificant one-time results, since he had completely different ideas about what is clean, and the untidy room did not annoy him at all.
At a certain stage, they tried to solve the problem at the expense of the housekeeper. But both did not like that a stranger was panting in the house, shifting things. A week later, extraneous services were refused, and everything returned to normal.
Living together with a sloppy young man made Alla irritable and nervous, but to part because of such a trifle as life, to refuse to create a family with her lover in the presence of complete unity of souls seemed strange and impossible to her.
An example that, unfortunately, has become common in our time, making love unbearable, is a situation where two people meet for a long time or even live together, but the girl wants to legitimize the relationship and have children, and the man does not want this. Moreover, tender love is preserved in the couple (if there was no love, there would be no problem). Years pass, and the woman's hope to create a full-fledged family becomes more and more illusory (at least, it may seem so). More and more often comes the desire to leave. But this is not easy to do.
"... It turns out that there is no other way out, just throw it away?" - the girl who got into such a situation asks a question. - I'm afraid that I won't be able to. ... Things don't always go badly with him. A lot of good things too ... And my self-esteem, probably ... is underestimated. I depend on him too much, not financially, but with my soul ... ".
“Probably, all this got me so much that it would be easier without him,” another decides. “I think so now. I could be wrong. But I’m ready to run away anywhere from my current state ...”. (From the archive of the conference).
Another, no less egregious and typical example of intolerance life together, concerns a career (career is a broader concept than just earnings) and self-realization. Alas, lovers too often, instead of supporting each other in this area, only "put a spoke in the wheel." This problem does not necessarily grow to a large scale. But if a person's interest in his profession is very great, if he feels this or that vocation, then love often becomes a tragedy for him. Here, the "suffering" side can be both men and women.
Let me give you another historical example where love came into conflict with the sense of self-preservation. This story is beautifully described in the book by D. S. Merezhkovsky "The Antichrist (Peter and Alexei)". And recently, on TV screens, one could watch the old film "Peter the Great", where it was also reflected.
The son of Peter I, Tsarevich Alexei, with his beloved Efrosinya, was hiding abroad. Alexei Petrovich seriously angered his father and knew that Peter intended to deal with him. It was not possible to return the prince to Russia without his consent. Then a cunning manipulative technique was used - they decided to influence the fugitive through Efrosinya. The uneducated girl succumbed to the influence, wanted to return to her homeland and threatened Alexei that she would leave him if he did not go with her. The prince agreed, although he knew that he hardly had any hope of surviving. At home, the heir was tortured and executed.
The uncertainty and fragility of the position of Alexei, who is in disfavor with his parent, the need to make a choice - whether to oppose his homeland and father on the side of enemies or hide forever made him emotionally vulnerable, which increased his dependence on his beloved. This dependence was the last reason for his final choice, contrary to the instinct of self-preservation.
When love conflicts with various "essential" human needs, many blame the partner, themselves, or fate. But is it someone's fault that people are different, they have different priorities and life tasks? The emergence of even the most passionate love does not abolish these differences. Difficulties in creating a family union are natural.
However, in this case it is not correct to talk about a conflict of interests between two people. If life with beloved becomes unbearable, then the reason lies in the internal conflict of the one who suffers from the situation. The interests and views of one person also come into conflict with each other. This is normal, no one is to blame for this. The phrase "harmonious personality" fashionable in Soviet times has little to do with reality, it is one of the socialist utopias. If someone manages to make an unambiguous choice in a difficult situation, then one can only envy him. Usually the decision is given as a result of a painful struggle.
“I love him, I want to start a family with him. But he believes that he must first get promoted in business, buy an apartment and see the world. I don’t mind, but my years are leaving! What should I do?” the young woman asks. From the side it is easy to give advice: "Throw him, and quickly!" But this is only from the outside, because an outsider understands the natural and logical desire to have a family, but does not experience the love that fills the heart of a suffering woman.
When you find yourself in a similar situation, attempts to talk with your loved one, come to an understanding or otherwise influence him (with screams, scandals, tears, ultimatums, partings), to put it mildly, do not quite have the effect that we would like. And the solution of the issue through negotiations is possible only if it is a matter of misunderstanding of each other, and not of a true conflict of interests.
I repeat that the underlying reason for this conflict is always an internal conflict: "I want to be with him (her), and I want to have something (family, career, money, always cleaned apartment, security, etc., etc.) , and he (she) does not give it to receive. If there were no internal problem, there would be no external problem.
To get out of this situation, you need to prioritize "within yourself." It's not easy - it would be easy, everything would be decided by itself. I suggest using the seven step system.
Imagine that one of the interests was realized at the expense of the other and vice versa. Imagine that this is for life, feel the situation.
One of my friends wanted to quit her job because of a conflict with her superiors. But she was frightened by the fear of not finding a new place. The problem was not resolved for a whole year. The woman continued to go to her old job, trying to find something new. But she did not find anything, from this she was even more afraid of being left out of work. I advised her to imagine that she would remain at her old job for the rest of her life, until old age, and, accordingly, the need to look for a new place would disappear. The woman took the advice and applied for resignation the next day, and three weeks later she found a new job.
The contradiction between love and the realization of certain important life tasks is very often accompanied by a painful attachment to the object of love. It is this feeling that is the emotional background of the conflict, it makes the situation difficult to experience, does not allow the issue to be resolved consciously. It is difficult for a person who experiences any strong feeling, whether it is passion or fear, to pull himself together and reason sensibly. Psychologists advise getting rid of painful attachment, as well as excessive and prolonged passion. There was a lot of advice given on how to do this. All methods can be divided into two categories.
The name "wedge wedge" would fit the first. If you decide to resort to a similar method, it is not necessary to start a love affair "on the side." It can be any activity that distracts from an exciting situation, a hobby for anything: work, reading, a computer game. It is important here that the content of the activity does not remind of an exciting problem. Do not read romance novels, do not watch melodramas, intellectual, fascinating detective stories, action films, science fiction are more suitable.
Another category of methods is bringing a keen feeling to the point of absurdity. How do those who are passionately in love, but who want to "keep pride" or achieve something from their beloved? They constantly try to limit themselves in the manifestation of feelings. "I won't call first, let him take the initiative!" "Let's part until we change our minds!" "Give him an ultimatum - either let me get what I want, or let him go!" Even if it is possible to maintain a pause in the relationship, then the opposite effect occurs - passion flares up with renewed vigor, and this devalues in the eyes of the partner all efforts aimed at abstinence or creating the appearance of an ultimatum. This is not to say that restraint or some form of "blackmailing" behavior is absolutely useless in establishing a relationship that suits you. But if you tried two or three times, and it did not work out, you should not continue in the same spirit. Abuse of such methods will lead to only one thing - the partner will stop responding to them and will calmly wait until the next "bzik" passes.
Before giving an ultimatum to another, give an ultimatum to yourself, to your feelings. Tell them: "Either you, or you!" If you realize that your will is not strong enough to make the final choice, the method of bringing to the point of absurdity the sharpest feeling is just for you.
Do you love someone very much, are you too attached to him? So give yourself up to this feeling completely. Set aside time for this. Better take a vacation. Two weeks will be enough. Spend as much time as possible with your loved one, serve, court, don’t mind anything. But do not bring the situation to the point that he starts to drive you away. If you feel bored, step back, not with pride, not with defiance, but with a desire to do everything exactly the way HE wants. Be there - ready to serve. During the time that you allocate for this, make as many sacrifices as possible for the sake of your love. This is not humiliating, you will not serve a man, but your feeling, which has the right to exist, like everything in you.
Alla from the above example decided to abandon any reproaches against her beloved. She began to spend exactly three times more time cleaning the apartment than if she lived alone. She tried not to get angry and all the time to indulge a potential spouse. After 9 days, Alla was finally convinced that the apartment was steadily overgrown with dirt, and there was no tendency for the process to reverse. The excess of the girl's feelings was spent on fighting the desire to reproach her beloved, so she found the strength to move back to her parents. The relationship continued for some time. But soon Allah declared young man that, despite love, does not intend to create a family with him. The young man was offended, very soon found a new girlfriend, and got married three months later. Alla's pride was terribly wounded. She was worried for several weeks - until, for some reason, she went to her ex and saw the conditions in which he lives with his young wife. Three years have passed since then, Alla has not managed to arrange her personal life, but, remembering her failed husband, she rejoices every time that "this cup" has passed her.
This is the saddest story that happened as a result of using the method of bringing feelings to the point of absurdity. In the vast majority of cases, the relationship persisted. Love did not go away, but girls and women got the opportunity to think more sensibly, became more confident, less dependent, learned to defend their interests, to do it their own way.
Often there was not only an internal effect, but also an external one - men were so amazed at the dedication and bestowal of their girlfriends that they fell in love with them with renewed vigor and did everything they wanted. The problem was resolved with a bang. It is not for nothing that there is a folk wisdom: "The strength of a woman is in her weakness."
Some girls objected to the method of bringing feelings to the point of absurdity, saying: "If I begin to indulge him completely, he will generally wipe his feet on me, twist ropes." Indeed, there were several such cases, but it changed the feelings of women so much that they absolutely with complete confidence left the relationship.
But the main result has always been an increase in confidence.
I knew a girl who was very afraid of parting, and not loneliness, as such, but the situation of parting. She suffered greatly when young people left her, she could not do anything while the uncertainty lasted. But as soon as she realized that a return was impossible, her mood and condition returned to normal within one day. It was so unpleasant for her to leave that it manifested itself at a more elementary level - she always stayed up late at a party, said goodbye to her friends for a long time on the threshold, not daring to leave. Because of this feature of hers, the unfortunate girl maintained an absolutely unsatisfactory relationship with a man for more than a year.
Try to understand what the situation requires of you, what you would like to avoid and some of this is important to you. Do not exaggerate this importance - do not forget that spending half an hour in the dentist's chair is still better than constantly suffering from a toothache.
In this last step, it's important not to get too carried away thinking about how you to him you all say. You should not spend too much energy on demonstrative statements, it is better to try to implement your plan, and not talk about it.
Perhaps your love will still bring joy. In any case, there is always a chance to make your life happy.
Molchanova Ya.V.,
cand. psychol. Sciences
Stay or go – a question that torments at least one of the partners in a great many couples. Every day, every hour, right this very second. Meanwhile, psychologists advise asking other questions. The answers to which will help to come to the right decision.
Usually this question is replaced by another one - “Do I still love him (her)?”. But the answer is too often dictated by the myths of popular culture. In which love is when a partner understands you without words and anticipates all your desires. IN real life everything is different. And first of all, you should soberly admit: if the relationship is in crisis, then exactly half of the blame for this lies with you.
“People do not come into relationships “from scratch”, they carry with them a load of previously accumulated problems. And they unconsciously expect that the partner will solve them all with a wave of a magic wand. And when this does not happen, they get very upset and believe that the relationship has not justified itself,” says Jody McKay, clinical psychologist, expert at Psychologies (South Africa).
She recommends lovers to be more sober in their expectations. And strive for that level of intimacy when everyone can fearlessly tell a partner about their emotional wounds. Only in this case, you can count on the fact that a loved one will help them heal.
You can walk away from a partner you've lost interest in, but you'll never be able to run away from yourself. So try to figure out what you don't like in the first place. It is possible that the answer lies within yourself.
“For example, people who are used to being strong and in control are unconsciously inclined to choose weak and dependent partners,” explains couples therapist Mira Viej. - So they strive to find balance in life. But as a result, one day it is the weakness and vulnerability of partners that turn out to be the qualities that begin to irritate the most.
This can go on indefinitely, until a person admits to himself that weakness is not a mortal sin at all. And that, apparently, it is important for him to sometimes allow himself to be weak. As soon as this happens, the weakness of the partner will cease to be an annoying factor.
Very often, the thought of loneliness scares women even more than a long-obsolete marriage. Are you afraid of not coping alone with life's difficulties? Or are you afraid that you won’t be able to meet a new suitable partner? If the answer is “yes”, then, oddly enough, the existing relationship should probably end as soon as possible,” says psychotherapist Ruthie Smith.
“The more you become dependent on another person, the more you lose faith in yourself and the ability to take responsibility for your life.” And for your happiness, for which, ultimately, only you and no one else are responsible.
For most couples, adultery is more than enough reason to get divorced. But Mira Viej disagrees. As with the very first question, she invites you to honestly admit that it is your fault that your partner began to look for pleasure on the side.
“Perhaps you tend to “punish” your partner with the lack of an intimate life for some wrongdoing? Or does he not feel the admiration for which the first months of life together were generous and which we all need constantly?
If two people are able to understand what happened and agree on the inevitable redistribution of roles in a couple over the years, then betrayal can not only not destroy relationships, but also strengthen them.
Perhaps this sounds too harsh and even shocking. But such "shock therapy" can be very useful. Momentary reasons and emotions often push for parting. Sharp and painful here and now, they are not very important "in the long run", but they are quite capable of obscuring the true value of relationships from us. Which you need to remind yourself of - albeit in such a harsh way.
The question is purely practical, but no less important for that. Who will cook the food or pick up the children from school, who will fix the broken socket or will finally change winter tires for summer tires - even if only in May?
“We often think of getting out of a difficult relationship as a release. But freedom not only has its price, it also imposes additional responsibility, ”recalls Jody McKay. She encourages clients to make a detailed plan for the next “day on the loose”, without missing any details. In order to understand how ready they are to cope with everyday life concerns that today lie on the shoulders of a partner.
The answer is unequivocal - yes. You must put your interests first. And the question is actually not at all in this, but in how you do it, - Maira Viej is convinced. She cites the example of couples who continue to maintain a long-loathed marriage in the interests of children. But the trouble is that children in such couples, looking at parents who have not loved each other for a long time, receive an unconscious attitude: their own happiness is not important, they can and should be sacrificed for the sake of some higher interests.
As a result, from generation to generation we raise people who deliberately agree to be unhappy. This chain must be broken. But this must be done as carefully as possible. Explaining to the children that the reason for the separation is not at all in them and the divorce will not affect your feelings for them in any way. You just want to be happy just like them. And if this works out, then in the end everyone will win.
Text: Beverly Stone, psychologist, family therapist
Everything changes over time. Even a relationship with a loved one can turn into a suitcase without a handle, which is hard to carry, but it's a pity to leave. Take 6 simple steps to make the right decision.
There are many reasons why even the strongest relationships can falter:
you can be together for several years, and then suddenly doubt whether the man you need is really next to you, or it’s time to look for a new candidate for the fathers of your children, while the biological clock is still ticking and it’s not too late. Maybe your children have already grown up and fluttered out of the nest, and without them the two of you are too lonely. But no matter what your scenario is, making the decision to break up is very difficult. We lose a part of ourselves, tormented by the question “Leave or stay”, suffering, we acquire all the symptoms of stress - heart palpitations, insomnia, fatigue and headaches.
If you are still not sure what exactly you need to do - leave or stay, follow the six steps in sequence, described below.
Do you often hold your tongue when you know that what you want to say will not please the people around you? If your partner asks you to do something you really don't want to do, do you do as he says to keep you calm? The habit of hiding your opinions and needs for the sake of others ultimately has a very negative effect on your self-esteem, how happy you feel, and your entire being in general. To find out if your relationship has potential, experiment. Agree with your partner that you begin to share with each other what you really think about, and do it in a calm atmosphere, taking emotions out of the brackets. You will either restore harmony in a couple, or your incompatibility will become even more obvious.
It doesn't matter what other people think, say or do. It is important to understand that this is only your decision, which you will make alone. For example, it seems to your girlfriend that your desire to leave your husband is immoral, you can laugh in response because you think that she is not too smart, burst into tears because you highly value her opinion, or shrug your shoulders indifferently, but the best option would be to accept her words to note - and no more. Don't stir up the atmosphere by sharing the anxieties and fears of others. You will gain a great advantage in overcoming difficulties between you and your partner if you remain calm and think logically.
When it comes to making difficult decisions, two inner voices usually come into play that contradict each other. One of them always advocates risk, his main message is: "Everything that is not done, everything is for the better." But there is also a second voice that whispers that you are making a very big mistake right now or reassures you that nothing can be done at all in your situation. When you are not aware of this inner conflict, your thoughts swing between the part of you that longs to fly and the part of you that prefers you to stand firmly on the ground without losing your footing.
To resolve internal conflict, allow your Cautious Self to talk to your Confident Self. Take a sheet of paper: let “Confident Me” speak first - start with the words: “I am outraged that you ...” - write down everything that comes to your mind. After that, fix the Cautious Me objections. Continue this dialogue until you have covered all of your negative and positive thoughts about the current situation and come to a natural conclusion. After such work, the two polar points of view will merge together and you will get a clear picture.
If you haven't made a decision yet because you're paralyzed by fear of being alone or by the prospect of looking for a new home, skip to step 4. Keep telling yourself, “I can do whatever I want with my life. I might even change my name and move to California.” As a rule, when I suggest that my clients do this exercise, they react in much the same way: “I can’t do it. I have a husband and two children who need my support.” I propose to get a divorce and leave the children in charge ex-husband, but from such proposals people are horrified and say: "I can not do this." Try to say this phrase, replacing "I can't" with "I won't" and you will see how, after overcoming some resistance, this scheme begins to work. It's amazing how the atmosphere in the house is changing, where people begin to understand that no one is forcing them to keep the family, but they themselves want it. The newfound sense of freedom helps some to understand that they want to save the relationship. And others - that they always have a choice.
It’s enough to wait for a savior who will come and decide everything for you in a minute - no other person has the only right answer to your question “Leave or stay”. So stop living up to other people's expectations and living up to other people's standards. Don't be afraid to be "wrong".
Imagine that you have only six months - it is unlikely that in this case you will worry about annoying little things, such as quarrels in the evenings. If you decide to end the relationship, you will leave without hesitation. If you want to stay, you will begin to correct what does not suit you. This exercise is a good way to see the real state of affairs and deal with your own values. Do it by all means!
Life is too short to waste it on misery. Don't delay breaking up with your partner if you realize that it's all over. Or start working on improving the relationship (already next week we will introduce you to recommendations on how to keep love).
I always thought I was happy. However, the way it was: 15 years of perfect marriage with the most best man in the world - smart, reliable, affectionate, gentle, and, most importantly, loving. Last year we celebrated the anniversary of our life together - we did not notice how so much time had flown by.
At the table - elderly parents, teenage children, closest friends. Everyone says that it is better not to find a couple, that we are made for each other. Once, in moments of frankness, my daughter admitted that she wants the same relationship with her future husband as I have with my husband. Nice…
In the spring I fell in love
Maybe the chirping birds are to blame, maybe the spring air, or maybe it's just the hormones, I don't know. But everything happened exactly like the Master and Margarita: “Love jumped out in front of us, like a killer jumps out of the ground in an alley, and hit us both at once. This is how lightning strikes, this is how a Finnish knife strikes.
We walked on opposite sides of the narrow sidewalk and at the same time looked into each other's eyes. And in a couple of minutes he caught up with me, apologized, said that he had not met on the street for a thousand years, and asked my name. And I realized that I was gone.
For several days in a row, he met me at lunchtime and we talked. They walked and talked. Common interests, hobbies, ways of spending free time (active recreation, sports, reading), similar views on life and on some situations.
I felt like a beautiful and desirable girl again, and not a respectable mother of a family and a caring wife.
Sergey came on business trips every 3-4 months, and between them he spent almost every weekend in the capital. We tried to spend all the days together ... And life was divided into two parts: explicit - where I have long been a wife and mother, and secret - with a mysterious gleam in the eyes and beloved hands of another man.
I'm torn...
I have a husband whom I respect and love endlessly, and I don't want to hurt him. There are children for whom mother's leaving for another man will be a betrayal. But you can no longer live on two fronts.
I am torn between the two men I love. Is it possible to love two people at the same time? It is possible, love will be different, but still it will remain love.
Sergei said that he would accept any of my decisions, because he loves and wants to see me happy. But he no longer wants to hide and share me with another. I don't know what decision to make? Continue to live a familiar and established life or give up on everything and start a new story?
If you find yourself in a situation “between two fires”, then you need to return to the moment when other relationships appeared. What happened then in your life? What worked and what didn't family life with husband?
There are two reasons for the emergence of new relationships: really real love or making up for what is missing in an old relationship. But in order to understand the essence of your situation, you need to take into account not only feelings, but also try to evaluate and weigh everything.
The passion that arises between a man and a woman lasts about 2 years, and then the “building” of relationships begins and the strengthening of other feelings, on which the relationship is based. Relations with her husband over the years become a quiet and peaceful haven. More and more capture home, family affairs and worries.
And, as a rule, it is at such a moment that fate brings with another person to which those very feelings arise, as in youth! Logic and common sense recede into the background, and the heart is literally torn apart. One day you are sure of one thing, and with the advent of a new day everything changes ...
Most often, the creation of a new relationship provokes a feeling of dissatisfaction with the current relationship. The most insidious thing about this dissatisfaction is that it can be completely implicit, accumulate over the years.
For example, a woman was too actively involved in the roles of mother and wife and completely forgot that she was also just a woman. And this woman inside begins to feel a sense of dissatisfaction.
The solution to this problem is often a new relationship. By the way, the so-called "triangle" often occurs precisely in order to save a couple, no matter how paradoxical it may sound.
That is, the third one appears precisely in order to “give” what the partner lacks in this relationship. And then the way out of this difficult situation may be the awareness of the deficit and the restructuring of current relations.
It happens that a double life lasts for years. But between these "fires" one can and must choose, because one of them is an "illusion" and the other is the truth. And to understand "who is who" you need to understand how you feel for both partners.
In a fit of passion and passionate feelings, it is difficult to notice the features of a partner that you will have to face in the future, because during the period of falling in love, we all have “rose-colored glasses”.
In addition, the atmosphere of the relationship itself contributes- rare and such welcome meetings, no obligations, common life, finances and other issues that one way or another will come to life with a new person. So far there are only two and they are insanely good together, but sooner or later, friends and relatives of the partner, his work, etc. will appear in these relationships.
At the stage of passion and novelty, do not rush to conclusions about love. If there is no deep confidence in these relationships and the heart is rushing about and does not know “whom to choose” - this is a sign not to rush, then something is wrong.
If you are sure that love is definitely in a new relationship, then it's time to decide. And here you should not be led by feelings of pity and fear, the end of a relationship is always painful, but every person has the right to happiness and you are no exception.
