We received a letter from a reader, the content of which can compete with Santa Barbara. The author of the story and her man for many years now converge, then diverge. She brings up two children from him, and he lives in two families. Why does a woman need such a relationship and how to get out of them, the psychologist explains.
kinopoisk.ru / A frame from the film "About Love" is illustrativeLosing a loved one is easy, but returning an emotional connection or finding an equally strong new one is not an easy task. Perhaps you should not be heroic and try to deal with a problem that seems unsolvable to you. We offer you professional help from psychologists from the Center for Successful Relationships.
You send us your story, and we publish it with expert comments. In order for us to better understand the essence of the problem, please send the most detailed (of course, as far as it is appropriate for you personally) stories. And we will do our best to bring good mood, harmony and peace back to your home. Anonymity of letters is guaranteed.
We are waiting for your letters at [email protected] To prevent your letter from getting lost, please indicate "My Story" in the subject line of the letter.
— I worked at a firm as an economist, my future husband there as a driver. We talked as colleagues. I knew that he had a lot of fans, he looked very good and young. There were men in my life too.
At some point, he began to pay special attention to me, and we started dating. They immediately came together and began to live in my hostel. Then he was fired from his job (due to his own stupidity), I supported both of us. In general, difficulties with money and quarrels began.
On this wave, I went to a sanatorium, where I met someone else ... I wanted to get away from my "driver", but he did not let go. Forgave me cheating, made an offer, and we got married. And then the same problems immediately returned: his earnings are temporary, my salary goes to all expenses. At the same time, I found out that I was pregnant.
The husband offered to save money by moving in with his mother. Relations with her categorically did not work out, and life in this house was hell for me. My husband was not at home, he sat in garages for days, and there was no income from this. I endured all this for a year, and then I sent my son to a nursery and went to work.
Six months after starting work, I had the opportunity to rent an apartment and move there with my son. My husband came to us, then left ... I could not stand it and filed for divorce and alimony, because I saw that the situation was not changing.
He still did not have a permanent job, and I had to spin at several at once in order to pay for rented housing, support my son and myself. The first time in court they gave a reprieve for reconciliation, the second time we were divorced.
It seemed that everything: everyone has their own life, but no ... He returned again and again. I wanted my son to see his father more often, I hoped that my ex-husband after all, he will change, start earning money and become a man in the family (after all, until now I was a man).
At some point, it seemed to me that everything was getting better, I softened a little and thought that maybe we should be together again. And then he left for good - without explaining anything.
Through social networks, I found out that, it turns out, he has a girlfriend and they have been together for several months. A clarification began between him, the new girl and me, as a result of which he said: "It's all over with us, I'm staying with her."
I have tantrums, tears, incredible pain ... I experienced all this in front of my son, I passed terribly, I started taking antidepressants. What do you think ... For another two and a half years, he ran from her to me and back.
pinterest.com At the same time, I saw that everything was fine with him: two women love him, both with apartments, both earn well and accept him for who he is.
In December 2017, at Christmas, he came with the words: "I'm sorry for everything, let's live together, I need our family." And then from the social networks of this girl, I find out that in New Year they were together, he gave her a ring and proposed to her.
I decided that this is the end, that's enough for me.
But I found out that I was expecting a child from him again. Throughout my second pregnancy, I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Either she wrote to him “come back”, then “I don’t want anything from you”.
I know that he doesn't love me for a long time. What comes to see the son but he is no longer attracted to me.
I ruined my son's childhood and psyche: he grows up very vulnerable and whiny. He sees his dad only when he finds time for him, once a week or two. I myself would like to change everything. More precisely, I would like my husband to become different, to become a good husband and father, to stop running for two families ... But this is what I want, not him. Help advice what to do? How to learn to live on and let go of this person?
Elena Dubovik, psychologist, director of the Center for Successful Relationships
- Let's start with an unpleasant, but very useful thought: your life is the result of your choice.
You made this choice at the beginning of your acquaintance and continue to reinforce it. Most likely, you yourself are not aware of this choice, but this does not mitigate or cancel the consequences.
The main task of a girl at the beginning of a relationship is to make a worthy choice. This is the most important "interview" and the most responsible test, guaranteeing harmony in the next period (women) or suffering.
It's sad that girls rarely remember this.
Let us recall how the fairy-tale heroines provided themselves with a good choice.
“The fairy tale is a lie, but it contains all the wisdom of generations. The princess made riddles and gave tasks to the applicant. You get a ring from the bottom of the sea, you defeat a dragon, you solve riddles - I'm yours. If not, he himself understands that he is not suitable for her husband.
Your chosen one many times showed you his inability to live, inconsistency and irresponsibility, and you chose him for this.
Stability, the ability to rely on him, purposefulness in him was not, and is not. You yourself admit it.
A man must not only demonstrate potential, but also prove that it will always be so. There is no bias towards men in this statement. A girl, in order to become a wife, must also demonstrate and prove to her chosen one stable qualities that guarantee that she will be a good companion.
The fact that your chosen one is who he is will have to be accepted without illusions. Otherwise, you will endlessly manipulate your consciousness, using unrealizable hope.
Perhaps you yourself let him know what kind of behavior you choose him for. Perhaps a courageous, mature and responsible man is dangerous for you?
On the other hand, the connection between you can be more complex. Usually a partner is a reflection of our inner content. There is something in your personality that provides this connection.
If your inner image of a man is immature, inconsistent and irresponsible, then you and your man are connected by secret bonds, although outwardly you can be overly collected, pull everything on your shoulders, try to control everything. Such an Amazon in armor externally, but inside is vulnerable, insecure and doubting.
Let's not forget about double standards. You demonstrate one requirement, but deep down you want a completely different one. Such your duality can provoke him to inconsistent actions. Often insecure women try to get their value reinforced by pushing their partner to make a choice between her and someone or something else.
Instead of waiting for your partner to change, leave him alone and take care of yourself.
Self-knowledge and personal growth will give you such a long-awaited effect when a man's attention, support and responsibility are not discussed, but are an integral part of the relationship. Experts in this field will help you.
So how do you trust people now? If the person closest to me has deceived me for fifteen years! Every day looked into the eyes and lied! The day before yesterday I found out that my missus has a second family. I felt like I was in a movie. It's just that I don't like it at all.
My husband and I have been married for many years, fifteen to be exact. He marries me on a whim. Yes, I got pregnant, and we decided to give birth. So we had a son, Makar. At first we quarreled, often and a lot. They could not get used to it, and it seemed that they had made a mistake. One day we decided to live separately. My son was then three years old. But apart we were not long, only three months. Somehow he came to take something from his things, and we had an intimacy. The next morning he left as if nothing had happened, and three weeks later I found out that I was pregnant again. I almost got hysterical. Again "flight". I called my husband and told him. He returned to his family. For the sake of the future baby and our son, we decided to start all over again.
My girlfriends told me that my missus was having an affair with some woman during our break in the relationship. But when I asked if that was true, he said no. And I believed.
I gave birth to another boy. We named him Ilya. After the birth of the second child, our ardor faded. We weren't that young and hot anymore. They did not throw accusations and dishes at each other. Our family has lived in peace. My husband spent a lot of time at work, and I was engaged in raising children.
And now our boys have grown up and already go to school. My husband and I settled down. Our lives have been completely taken care of. And so it was until the day before yesterday a woman I didn't know approached me. She directly stated that she had been my husband's mistress for fifteen years. And that she was tired of raising their child herself, that their son needed a father. I couldn't move. My temples pounded and it seemed to me that I was about to lose consciousness. And my companion did not stop. She said she was tired of him running back and forth. And that he cannot leave me and the children, but he loves her and she asks to let him go.
I don't remember how I got home. That evening, my husband came early, he did not stay at work. And only then I realized what the hell the job is. He went to her. And Saturday "hands-on" - this is it. And business trips too. That's when the puzzle came together. What a fool I was! There are no words. So many years of being blind. Ignore the obvious. But besides his mistress, he also has a child - also a son. Three sons and two wives.
I couldn't tell my husband. I just didn't know how or what to say. Everything seemed so logical, and everyone else had long suspected something was wrong, but not me. I just don't understand where my eyes were looking? And what to do with this news? Call for a conversation and let him choose? Or fight for your spouse? Or maybe just forget? But this is unlikely to work. Now every delay and business trip I will know where he is and with whom. No, it's unbearable. You need to think it over well and consult with someone, but I’m just ashamed to tell my friends about it ...
Everything seems to start innocently - with a fleeting relationship on the side. And then - more: out of love for another woman, new children are born one day. As a result, the man has a second family. It would seem - deal with your feelings, decide. But it happens that he never makes a choice, but continues to live on "two fronts" ...
Everything seems to start innocently - with a fleeting relationship on the side. And then - more: out of love for another woman, new children are born one day. As a result, the man has a second family. It would seem - deal with your feelings, decide. But it happens that he never makes a choice, but continues to live on "two fronts" ...
Polygamy, adrenaline plus a sense of danger
Recently, a famous singer was interviewed. To the question: "Did you have remorse when you cheated on your wife?" he replied, “I don't consider sex cheating. For me, this is the same need as eating, drinking, walking. Wanted - satisfied. Can this be considered typical male logic, or is there something else here?
“The presence of a second, additional partner in many men stimulates potency, activates intimate life with the main partner (wife), - explains the well-known psychotherapist, sexologist Alexander Poleev. - The situation seems, at first glance, paradoxical: a man with one partner cannot function. And if you have two, it works well with both. The new woman revives sensuality. Many men need this, as it is such a relationship that fits their ideal of sexual functioning. Extramarital affairs do not steal intimate life in marriage, but activate it and help men maintain sexual activity until the age of 60-65. Their intimate life exceeds the average in intensity. Unfortunately, this does not bring much joy to their wives - after all, they know that their husband has another woman.
The appearance of a second family and illegitimate children in men is difficult to explain only by frivolity and inability to foresee the consequences of their behavior. After all, in everything else they are quite capable of being cautious and prudent: they do an excellent job with their work, they can be tough and far-sighted in business, etc. Do they suddenly lose the ability to calculate the consequences of their steps in love affairs? The fact is that in the male system of values, polygamy (no matter how it is condemned by public morality) is not considered a sin. On the contrary, there it is considered a dignity and a sign of steepness. In their hearts, men consider her something desirable, something one can only dream of. "If I were a sultan, I would have three wives, and I would be surrounded by triple beauty ...".
Add adrenaline here, a sense of danger from the fact that at any moment everything can open up. There are men who like it. This sharpens their emotions, gives them a sense of fullness of life, a sense of their own importance and significance.
Torturer and victim are one
But what about women? If a wife, despite her husband's numerous promises to break off relations on the side, still continues to live with him, then this means only one thing: she likes this state of affairs, she finds bonuses in him for herself.
“The wives of their cheating husbands tell the same thing,” Alexander Poleev continues. - They say: “At first I thought that he was going to leave me. Then I realized: he is not going to go anywhere and to anyone. I was waiting for it all to end. You ask why I won’t leave him? You know, he really a good husband, always even, calm, friendly, over the years life together He never raised his voice to me, never said a rude word. He tries to earn money for his family, in his youth he worked hard at two jobs. I'm afraid to live alone, I'm afraid to be left without a husband. Here - I wait and endure ... "".
Recall the sensational story that happened in the Schwarzenegger family. The actor was proud of his status wife, who came from an influential family belonging to the elite of the nation. But this did not prevent the “terminator” from starting a relationship with a housekeeper who gave birth to a son from him. The actor talked with the boy, helped him. Maybe you will say: celebrities are a special article, they are public people, often travel, meet new people, fans stick to them, etc. But ordinary people also have similar stories.
One of my friends, for example, had an affair with a married work colleague. There was love, passion, common interests, hobbies. Beloved promised to divorce and marry her. She waited and believed. She gave birth to a daughter. But the beloved did not get divorced, he said: that's when his son finishes school, then ... He came to her and her daughter almost every day, they went on vacation together. For years fed my friend with promises.
All participants in this story lived in constant stress. My friend suffered because the father of her child could not make a decision, his legal wife suffered because her husband had a family on the side. Both women lived with a sense of instability - either falling into depression or flying on the wings of hope.
The worst thing is that sooner or later the child will find out that, it turns out, dad has another family, and this becomes a big blow for him. And it happens that children who grew up in “secondary” families themselves cannot then create a strong happy family. family life, internal trauma gets in the way. The friend of mine described above had the same story: her father had a child on the side. While still a teenager, she found out about this: she accidentally saw letters that opened her eyes to the true state of things. It was a big shock for her. Who would have thought that years would pass, and she would suffer the same fate: the man she fell in love with and from whom she gave birth to a daughter also lived in two families. Or is everything normal?
Why doesn't he make a choice?
Why doesn't a man make decisions? Because he has no incentive. Why would he change something in his life, destroy one or the other family? He is doing well: here and there he will be fed, watered and put to sleep in a warm bed. And here and there loving woman. This gives him sharpness and a variety of sensations, does not allow feelings to cool down. So why would he change anything? There is, of course, another moment. The man really cares about both families, he sincerely does not want to lose anyone. Therefore, he sees no other way out than to maintain his two houses. Now, if one of these women set a strict condition for him and would give him a certain period to realize it, then it would be another matter. And so... No, it won't. But if a woman is firm in her position and no longer agrees to live such a life, then this can force a man to finally make a choice.
By the way, men who live in two families die quite early. Can't take the heart. No wonder: who can endure constant stress and torment for a long time due to the inability to make a final decision? ..
Inna Kriksunova, for Fontanka.ru
"I live in two families and do not know what to do in this situation!" were the first words of my client.
Living in two families is not part of the myth of male polygamy, but a completely ordinary situation from our real life. This story is one of those that we regularly hear from our acquaintances.
Women who find themselves in a similar situation are familiar with feelings of hopelessness, resentment and fear. And even those who are happy in marriage, probably listened to and reassured their girlfriends more than once, complaining about male infidelity, "inherent in them by mother nature."
We are used to blaming a man and his masculine nature in many ways. We lived together for so many years, and the result is another family on the side, albeit not officially registered! But what brings a man to such a situation? What prevents him from making a choice?
There are many reasons. It is difficult to leave your wife, as there are obligations to the family, the fear of losing the location of the children, the fear that the new relationship will lose its charm. And many more doubts of fears that overcome a man facing a choice. The decision in which family to live may not be taken by a man for years. During this time, children grow up, the desire to change the situation fades away, and the habit of living in two houses arises. And it's getting harder and harder to make an unambiguous decision, because there are many "buts".
"But" is the eternal companion of each of us, we make a choice every second, we just don't notice it sometimes, because not all decisions are given to us with difficulty. The decision to drink coffee or tea for breakfast may cause us a moment of confusion, but will be taken in favor of what we really want. In situations of personal relationships, everything is much more complicated.
As a result, we suffer ourselves, torture others, bring situations to a "hopeless" and begin to assure ourselves that "there is no justice in this world" or complain about the fate that, like a chronicle, someone wrote before we were born. But we ourselves write the chronicle of our life, and it depends only on us whether this story will be about a happily lived time or about the suffering of several people.
The hero of my story wanted to leave the family and even told his wife about it, but did not dare to talk about it with the child. Do not rush to condemn a man in such a situation! Talking to your own child can be the most difficult step for a man. A man is not only afraid of losing the favor and love of his own children, but he is afraid of destroying his own image of a "good father", because good dads do not leave their families. But adults sometimes do not understand that their children know or guess about everything that happens in the family, and no less than adults suffer from a situation of uncertainty. According to statistics, 11% of children in families with divorces will divorce themselves in the future, and 8% of children who grew up in intact families. Agree not too critical difference in percentage?
The more my client tried to shield his own teenage child from marital problems, the worse their relationship got. The more he tried to improve relations in both families, the more problems arose. The wife did not want to give, the woman with whom he lived wanted an officially registered relationship, the child wanted to understand what was happening between father and mother.
Everything is possible, the only question is the ability to negotiate. I know families where people live in two families for years, without hiding it. But personal happiness in such situations is the exception rather than the rule. Not every woman is ready to share her man with someone else. But everyone is free to choose for himself what he wants and what responsibility he is ready to bear for his own choice.
Each of the participants in the "family drama" needs to decide for himself what I am ready / ready for in such a situation. Do not deceive yourself with empty promises that a man will definitely leave the family because he loves. Yes, maybe he loves and very much, but his own fears do not allow him to leave his wife and children for 5 years now. Do not think that a man will come to his senses and return to the family, and everything will be again, as it was in the first years of marriage. Yes, it might come back, but for how long? Love relationships on the side, I emphasize love relationships, not sexual affairs, are unlikely to be the result of a happy marriage.
It is necessary to understand what we ourselves want and expect from a relationship with a loved one, then muster up the courage and voice our own wishes.
We suffer from the fact that someone does not live up to our expectations. Every time we encounter this, we feel cheated. But who is deceiving us? Are not our own fantasies? Share your own desires with a man, even if he does not make a choice in your favor. Then you will not waste your own precious time on someone who will never give you a harmonious relationship.
Do not judge wives and mistresses, do not judge men who are trying to make a decision: a family or a new marriage. By judging each other, we become hostages of our own emotions, which sometimes do not give us the opportunity to see a way out of this situation.
Trying to clarify the situation for themselves, women often behave too persistently, persuading, demanding, scandal. But the paradox is that such behavior only pushes your loved one away from you, and spoils your attitude towards him.
Where to take love on the "field of constant battles"?
Do not put pressure on a man, forcing him to make a decision. Give him time. If you are not satisfied that he "thinks for a long time", it is better to take care of your own life in such a situation. Do not turn your inner world into the service of one single "deity" - the man for whom you are "fighting" with your wife or mistress. In any case, you will lose, because the trophy may not be love for you, but the decision that a very tired man made.
The hero of my story made his choice, he left both families. His wife came out a second time.
I don’t know how my client’s life turned out, but I sincerely wish him to find the happiness that he lacked so much.
Comment on the article "Choose me ..."
Every person must think. If a person cannot make a decision, it means that he lacks some information.
The most important thing in this situation is honesty. Everyone should know what everyone thinks.
I myself am now in a situation of making a choice. I have already spoken honestly with my wife, now I am waiting for a calm answer from her.
Alas, in addition to the happiness of a man, the happiness of the family and children lies on the scales. The choice is difficult and the real choice is made once in a lifetime.
I want to say one thing, there is always a choice, it's just that men are too cowardly to make it and take responsibility for their choice. and I completely disagree that you need to give him time to think, and so on, he will think for years, as he thought in the article for five years !! if a man does not make a decision, he just waits to be accepted for him, either his wife or mistress
07.08.2010 02:42:54,Total 6 messages .
First family second family. Marriage. Family relationships. First family second family. My dears, I read Hellinger's arrangements here and something completely loaded. Then it is more logical to spend the rest of your life on earning for yourself, for your children.
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Choose me... I know families where people live in two families for years, without hiding it. But personal happiness in such situations is the exception rather than the rule.
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