Question to the psychologist:
Recently I met a guy, everything was fine, and in the end they began to tell me that he was cheating on me, it turned out to be twice, well, of course, after that I left him. I cried and still cry because of him. Started smoking, smoked for months (1-2, I'm quitting now)
I fell into depression, I cry a lot, I became very rude, I didn’t care about anything.
Now I think about suicide, I cut my hands with a blade and I like it
I like to hurt myself, it feels like I'm going crazy. Am I becoming a masochist?
And my best friend somehow closed herself from me, she has other good friends, I’m very afraid of losing her, but she stopped telling me anything, we always quarrel because of me .. I don’t know, can I talk to her honestly?
I don’t know what will happen to me if I lose the person dearest to me, you just understand, when she cries, I cry too, this has never happened to me before. No one was as dear to me as she was.
I began to lash out at my parents very often, almost always yelling at them.
And I don’t think that something will help me to become happy, and somehow I don’t hope for it.
I think about suicide a lot
It seems that if I die, I will not suffer anymore, there will be no more tears, pain, hatred, etc.
I cry everyday for everything
Everything is just tired, it's too hard for me that I can't handle it all
And I don't think I'll be here soon...
Relations with parents were always good, well, yes, sometimes there were disagreements, but they quickly reconciled. And now, almost every day, we quarrel recently, dad burned that I smelled of smoke and found out that I smoke, yelled at me, I cried, closed myself in my room and began to cut my veins, but I haven’t touched the veins more than once, because I’m afraid to leave dad and mom here, I'm afraid what they can do after my death ... they will suffer a lot
Mom and dad don't drink, don't smoke, nothing.
The first time I cried at school, all my classmates were shocked, because I have always been such a strong girl, not when I didn’t show weakness, but here I just went into hysterics and several times ..
Greetings, Yaroslav!
Many believe that tears are for the weak. Common misconception. Science has long proven that all the natural processes of the human body play an important role for it. We are born with the ability to cry. For example, for an infant, crying is the only way to get attention. Tears are a reaction of a person, his body to moments of life, circumstances, situations that are extremely difficult for the psyche. Tears help our psyche to cope with a difficult situation. It is also known that emotional tears can normalize blood pressure, increase the body's resistance to disease and “wash out” stress. Relationship breakdown - stress, trauma, crisis. Why are they given? For our growth and development. Each person throughout his life grows, develops through the so-called stresses, traumas, crises and stable periods. Smoking, quarrels with parents and a girlfriend, "cutting veins" suggests that your life has come another, new crisis, a crisis of growth, development, call it what you want, "teenage crisis", "hormone riot", but from which already now it is necessary to go out and out neither your parents nor your girlfriend, namely you. "Rage of hormones", "teenage crisis" is given to a person literally for one thing - to move to a new level, to grow up. This crisis helps a person learn to manage himself, his thoughts and feelings, his behavior, to learn as many facets as possible to start at least seven spheres of life, your life, your future life. In other words, it helps to lay the foundation, the foundation for the future. There was nothing left, literally five, six years. From the age of twenty-one, a person, regardless of age, must fly out of the parental nest, bud from his parents and begin his independent flight called independent life. Whichever door you go through, that's where you'll go. Where and what are you going to, Yaroslava? You decide!
Understanding this 1 piece of advice from a psychologist on how to get over a breakup with a loved one greatly reinforces your knowledge.
Always remember your favorite hobby and passion, put it in the first place now, and then you will no longer need the advice of a psychologist on how to survive a breakup with your girlfriend or young man.
Relationships are definitely important.
In them we can realize ourselves, allow another person to realize themselves, establish emotional contact with a partner, make our own and his life easier.
But in general, they cannot be a mission.
Relationships in any scenario cannot be a mission in life!
On the part of girls, such a thing is present in the head more often. And therefore, they often need help and various advice from a psychologist on how to survive a breakup with a beloved man.
Girls elevate relationships to a higher rank because they have such a biological factor as a family and a child.
Your jamb is that you had to be distracted from clinging hard to relationships and making them a goal in life.
This will only make it worse for you, because sooner or later the illusions will begin to break, and you will again think about what to do when your loved one has left you.
After a breakup, you may get the feeling that you supposedly need to solve everything at once right now.
Problems need to be dealt with as they come up.
You don't have to decide everything at once.
If you have an unstable emotional state, depression, then first deal with it.
Some people go to extremes after a breakup and quickly run to look for a new partner.
And this is supposed to be the solution to the problem. This supposedly closes questions about how to survive the pain of parting with a loved one.
Is this a solution?
People just put a band-aid on their mental wound, are looking for a replacement rather than dealing with themselves.
This throwing from one extreme to another does not end with anything good.
Accept the state in which you are now, see it and say to yourself: “Yes, now I am not quite in harmony with myself after the breakup. Well, nothing, I’ll first resolve this issue, and then we’ll see.”
Remember this and no longer need the advice of a psychologist on how to survive a breakup with your husband.
Let yourself go forever.
Understand that there is nothing and no one to resolve.
Some of you screwed up and it is important to understand that this is normal.
As painful as it may feel, give yourself the opportunity to leave forever.
Just like your partner gives himself this opportunity.
Every girl and every guy gives himself this opportunity.
Understanding this will close your worries about thinking about how to get over the breakup with your loved ones.
A person who does not need does not need both things and people equally! The paradigm is that they are with them, but there is no fear of loss at all!
A person who does not need never asks questions about how to live after parting further.
A strong person is only glad that weak people themselves leave his life.
It is harder for a woman to live like this, but it is possible. You don't have to hang on to people.
Women have a natural need for a man who will protect her, take care of her, they cling to men. This is their jamb!
On our site you can also read about how to get rid of attachment and love addiction.
Replace the desire to make a person your property with the desire to make him happy.
The best thing you can do for a partner is to let him live life to the fullest, and you will be there with him when he and you want it.
You still sincerely love your partner, but do not try to keep him in any way.
You must live your life and give your partner complete freedom of choice.
Implement this perception and no longer worry about how to survive a breakup with a lover or your secret crush.
Ask yourself questions:
The way the guy perceives ex girlfriend so cool - this is his personal subjective perception of the girl.
No one else sees her that way except him.
All other people see the same girl, the same appearance, her same face, but their well-being does not improve in any way!
And it is very important to realize this in order to close the worries about how it is easier to survive parting with a loved one.
Understand that you are attached to the feeling, not to the person himself.
This feeling is drawn by your personal subjective perception.
Understand this and you will feel much better.
ask yourself:
The answer is that you just don't love yourself.
People do not love themselves and, as a result, need outside help, they ask for advice from a psychologist on how to survive a breakup with a husband, boyfriend or female person.
When you fall in love with yourself for real, your total love will be much stronger than the feelings for the former person.
Your love for yourself will be the strongest and strongest. No feelings can absorb and bind you.
And then you will already forget about attachment to feelings, you will give more to this world.
And then people will start reaching out to you.
Now you know everything from psychology on the topic of how to survive a breakup with a loved one, and you don’t need any forums.
If you integrate these understandings into your life, then thoughts like “would rather move away after a painful breakup” will no longer arise in your head.
You will remove a lot of pain and suffering from relationships and begin to look at things more objectively.
This is your life, make the right choice!
You can leave, but at the same time constantly think about your ex-lover. Of course, this is not a good idea, but often this is exactly what happens. Especially if the man initiated the breakup. You can dream for days on end that one day the door will open and he will come, get on his knees and talk for a couple of hours about what a fool he was that he left the best woman in the world. Of course, sometimes this happens in life. But in most cases, this resembles the plot of a romantic melodrama. And you can wait for his return for years, but never wait. Therefore, one must learn to build one's life without it.
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Girls are fragile and vulnerable creatures, no matter how much they talk about their strength and iron will, resistance to shocks and troubles. But even the most ardent feminist dreams of finding her shelter in life behind a strong shoulder. Many such “shoulders” come across on our life path. Some of them are really capable and ready to protect and shelter us from adversity. But we are not always able to consider this in time and understand that we need such a man in life. Some are not ready to expose their shoulders to the blows of your fate, since so far they themselves are not averse to resting on their parent's shoulder. And it happens that with pleasure and a sigh of complete satisfaction you lower your tired head on such a native and strongly masculine shoulder, but instead of feeling support, you feel how your protection eludes you, saying something about what you - "not a couple". Breakups are always hard. How to start over after breaking up with a boyfriend will help you deal with yourself and your raging, resentful feelings.
Photo gallery: How to start living again after breaking up with a guy
You have been reading the book of Love in each other's eyes for a long time, reveling in every moment spent together. You collected all your memories bit by bit, afraid to miss something, lose, forget. So carefully designed albums with photographs, dreaming of showing them to their children in such a bright and near future. You held hands and did not need gentle words - tenderness literally flowed through your veins, pulsing and passing from one heart to another. It seemed that this world was created only for you, nothing and no one will break it, will not break it. The sun shone so brightly for you even on the most cloudy autumn day, when outside the window nature poured its tears of rain, and the trees dropped their chewed leaves. You found a special charm even in this gray rain: after all, it gave you a feeling of comfort and warmth, when you, wrapped in one blanket for two, watched how the moisture draws its bizarre patterns on the glass. You knew how to be alone in the crowd, not to see passers-by, not to notice cars, but simply to enjoy the fact that you have each other. But here comes the thunder. Something went wrong and the world turned upside down. He, so beloved and dear, whispers something in your ear, whispers hot and fast, afraid to lose all the right words. And you, accustomed to the fact that this whisper always told you about love, cannot believe your ears and realize that your world for two is half empty. And when the door slams behind him, you quietly slide down the wall to the cold floor, take out a pack of cigarettes, light it with a trembling hand and ask yourself: “What about me? How to start living again after breaking up with the guy I loved more than life? Who himself was my life?!" Swallowing tears, you will freeze for a long time, listening to your heart, which will beat slower and slower ...
Agree: painfully familiar situation. There were no such trifles, but there were others, no less important. And the only question that pulses through the veins: “How to start living again? And is it worth living on? But you need to remember that even with the most beloved guy, life does not end, even if it seems different to you now. You need to pull yourself together, wipe your tears and rush into battle.
After all, what the hell is not joking, perhaps you have a good chance to return the one who left? Maybe your relationship cracked not because love passed and not because he found another. Perhaps the reason lies in your relationship, maybe even in yourself. Even the strongest love indulges in trials that are sometimes too difficult to endure. You need to be ready for this. And some couples are not capable of this - therefore, apart from parting, nothing is coming for them. So think about it: was everything calm and gentle in your relationship? Or maybe you have quarrels and scandals that destroy the fragile crystal of your love? And, if you try to fix everything and find a compromise, can it still return to normal?
But this does not happen often - unfortunately, in most cases, love leaves you forever, tightly closing the door behind it. And then it seems to you that all your words and actions are meaningless, and life is over. But get yourself together! As long as you breathe, you can fix something. We are all masters of our own destiny and our happiness is in our hands. You just need to distract yourself from sad thoughts and get out of the nets of melancholy.
For example, a favorite pastime can help you with this. Do you have a hobby? Take it seriously, relax, develop, enjoy what you are doing. Change the type of activity itself - so that nothing reminds you of a past life. Pour out your soul with colors on the canvas, embroider your sadness with colored threads, play your love story on your favorite instrument - and your heart will gradually come to life and be transformed.
If everything around you reminds you of him, try a change of scenery for a while. If you have good friends in another city, great! Find out if they will shelter you for a month and a half? In the company of those with whom it is easy and fun for you, you will bloom again with all colors and begin to forget what you experienced not so long ago. Of course, upon returning home, memories and longing will flood over you again, but this is inevitable - it tempers your spirit. Just go through them, rejoicing in all the good things that happened, and not being offended by the bad ones. Gradually, memories will leave your home - and you will again be able to breathe freely in your native walls.
Do you know this proverb: "The wedge is knocked out with a wedge"? Very correct words, especially for our situation. Try to flirt a little with a man you like, go to a cafe with a guy, let him hit on you a little. The main thing is that he does not overdo it in his efforts and does not cause you an acute desire to escape from this obsession of his. However, the line of conduct of the new boyfriend largely depends on your line of conduct and how much you allow him. Do not think that all men are cheaters, perhaps a worthy and truly trustworthy guy is sitting in front of you now, so smile wider and enjoy the fact that you are interested. This is also necessary for self-esteem, which falls very low after a difficult breakup with a beloved guy. After all, we immediately begin to think: what is wrong with us and why did he leave? And we find a lot of shortcomings, fill our bright head with them and think that with such disadvantages we will not have personal happiness in life. And very in vain - setting on an unsuccessful personal life will certainly turn into that very predictable failure.
It is very, very difficult to go through parting with those whom we idolized and loved more than our lives, but this does not mean that your life puts a huge bullet point here. Remember, it's just a comma before a new subordinate clause, just let it happen and then you won't see any punctuation marks for the rest of your life. After all, who knows, suddenly tomorrow you will meet true love, which will bring you happiness? ..
Question to the psychologist:
Good afternoon 2 weeks ago I broke up with a guy whom I loved very much and I just can’t set myself up for a new life. I already have experience of family life behind me and a divorce, two children. After the divorce, I did not even think about starting a serious relationship. But it turned out that I fell in love. Our relationship began already, in principle, abnormally, apparently because of my love, I turned a blind eye to everything. We met in an institution, gave me a ride, he immediately inspired some kind of trust or something, reliability, they began to talk on the phone in the slightest degree. After some time, she met him again in the same institution, came up himself, then took him home and somehow everything happened by itself, he was drawn to him simply with some incomprehensible force. We began to meet, so to speak, "for health" almost every day. Then I left for a week and our communication became a little strange, when I returned back the meetings continued, but it turns out that in parallel he saw other girls, saw him several times in the same institution, so he pretended once that he didn’t know me, said, that has not yet walked up. It was painful and embarrassing. After that, I decided to break off all connection with him altogether and told him about it. But then suddenly he came, began to ask for forgiveness and say that he had decided, he wanted to be with me. I forgave you. Our relationship moved to another level... Also quite strange... He spent the night with me, but he never said where he was and what he was doing, he always answered "I'm on business." At one point, he told me we were running up and left. I was very worried, didn’t eat, didn’t drink, and when I calmed down and spat, he began to attack me with SMS messages, asking for a meeting. He came and began to repent that he realized everything, during these days he yearned for me, realized that he could not live without me. Of course, I'm a fool that I forgave him so immediately, but apparently at that moment my feelings for him had not faded away. And so we began to live together, I think everyone makes mistakes, I forgive and forget. Introduced me to relatives, found mutual language with the children and everything seems to be fine, but ... Total control began, that is, I had to report by phone that I went to the store, came - I immediately wrote or called, said, it started, don’t dress it, then don’t dress it, without not a single step out of the house, stopped communicating with everyone, I generally keep quiet about some men, with the social. networks said to leave, jealousy is constant and for no reason ... I thought that the person before me might have had sick relationships, I think now he will believe, he will see that I am normal, faithful and not walking. But the more I adjusted to it, the more stringent were the requirements. And now, three months later, he beat me for the first time, pulled me off normally, it just seemed to him something on the basis of his constant jealousy, although there was not a single reason for this. I was in shock ... He asked for forgiveness for a long time, saying that this would not happen. But a month later everything happened again, after all the same. And I myself did not understand how this began to be repeated almost every day, his bullying was more and more terrible, endless suspicions of some kind of betrayal of non-existent ones, although I was not a walking person at all, and even more so was under his total control. And that's not all, he began to say that I'm pestering my own children, it's like coming up with something like that !!! And there were many other terrible things. I was already afraid of him, I drove him many times, but he begged for forgiveness, and I forgave him. The children, of course, saw all this, since then he no longer hesitated to do all this in front of them. Something constantly seemed to him, it was horror ... They tried to disperse, but a week later he came and I accepted. Why didn't you break up right away? Because I believed that he would change, we constantly talked that it was impossible, and he was not always like that, there was also a good side of the medal because of which I forgave him. Over time, he calmed down a bit, but in moments of anger, and he started up with a half turn, he was terrible. He dragged me along the floor by the hair to the bathroom and there he could scoff and beat me for hours, I cried and this annoyed him even more. Several times I lost consciousness from suffocation, there were bruises and abrasions. She kicked him out, hated him, understood that someday she would simply kill him. Quarrels became more and more frequent, tore my clothes, constantly watched my phone, all my attempts to change it were unsuccessful. And when we parted now, I understand with my head that this is for the better and it is unlikely that this person will change at all, even with anyone, even though he convinced me that it was only with me that he was like that. I understand that most likely these legs “grow” from childhood, since his parents often “attached” to him, his mother took a walk, and his father beat both his mother and him too, because of which he then went to live with his grandmother. But he denies and says that it’s all because of me, I don’t give him confidence, I don’t know what I should have done, only if I lock myself at home and don’t go out ... Now I realized that I was most likely a victim of domestic violence , he completely subjugated me and scoffed as he wanted. Now I don’t know how to start living from a new leaf, because for three years we have suffered so much with him. I am a strong person myself, but now for some reason I feel bitterness and resentment, then I want to return it, then I hate it, then take revenge ... In 2 weeks I lost 8 kg, I can’t sleep normally, I can’t enter my usual lifestyle before him, where there were no scandals and she knew how to enjoy children, life .... Help me cope with this, please, and not return from longing to the former ruinous relationship!
Hello dear Olga. I was very hurt and hurt for you when I read your story. No one should experience what you experienced. Especially from a loved one. But the worst is behind you, you are safe, your children are safe. Exhale slowly and try to relax. I will try to help you as much as possible in the mode of Internet correspondence.
Let's start from the very beginning. Immediately after the divorce, you did not think that you would start a serious relationship. Does this mean that the divorce was difficult for you and the marriage was also quite difficult? It often happens that we rush into a new relationship as if into a pool with our heads, without understanding how it should be in a partner in order to forget the pain of the past. To compensate for the lack of something very important in our lives. To feel alive again. And this is how we, without suspecting it ourselves, find ourselves in love addiction, which, although it looks like love, in essence, has nothing to do with love.
Your relationship started wrong, you rightly noticed. Initially, he was the first violin in your relationship, there was no talk of any partnership. He left and came when he wanted to, and when you wanted to end the relationship, he played the card "I need you, forgive me." It was he who regulated the distance at which you are from each other. It pushed you away, then called you back.
And then unreasonable jealousy began. Perhaps you saw in this concern for you and unwillingness to share you with anyone, as proof of his feelings. I assure you, he was not jealous at all. He knew you weren't cheating. For him, it was a way to establish control and cut your ties with society so that you belong only to him. Ownership of clean water. But a person cannot be someone's property, he is not an object, not a thing. Olga, unfortunately, your lover was a psychopath. And you really became a victim of domestic violence. Read about the "circle of violence", I think many things will seem familiar to you. For example, the "honeymoon" period after reconciliation, which each time became shorter and shorter.
Very often, rapists use the tactic of "gaslighting" when the victim is made to feel guilty. She is told that it is only with her that a person is such that if she changed, the problem would go away. And also that she is not adequate, since she reacts so sharply to everything and in general she is almost crazy. Black is set to white, white to black, and it seems that "if I could only convey to him, if he understood how hurt / offended / bad I am, then he would stop behaving like that." And, since psychopaths are very subtle manipulators (this is their way of being in this world, because they are not able to build an honest and open dialogue with another person), the victim begins to believe them. Thinks she's the problem, that she's getting it all wrong and that one day she'll be able to find the right words. But the situation will not change, because the problem is not in the victim. The problem of violence is always in the rapist. He performs an active and cruel act in relation to another person.
Olga, now it hurts you not only because the person you once were in love with has left. You are sorry for the time spent, it is a pity that you have experienced so much pain, so much effort has been invested in this relationship and everything is empty. You are sorry for your collapsed hopes and dreams. And that it was all in vain. I understand how painful it is for you to realize all this.
But you are alive, everything is behind. You have no future with this person, but you may have a happy future with another. And for this, it is most important to understand why you ended up in this relationship. Why did you decide at the very initial stage of the relationship, when the tyrant was just "tasting the water" and probing your personal boundaries for integrity, that you can be treated like this? What value did you take his behavior and these relationships for? After all, this is exactly what you lacked and lack now. It is better to work out these issues with a psychotherapist.
I recommend that you make a list of the good things that have gone out of your life with the passing of this person. For example: "feeling needed", "feeling not alone", etc. And then think about how else you can get it. Without this person. Or maybe outside the context of relationships with a man in general. Do you have children. Surely, they give you a lot of tenderness and love.
And then write him a letter. But you don't have to send it. Just write to him everything that is now boiling in you. Throw out all the feelings on paper, you will feel better. Tear it off later if you so desire.
And then forgive yourself for the fact that you - such a strong woman, found yourself in such a relationship. You just wanted love, is that a crime? Yes, you made a mistake, confusing him with someone else: decent and worthy of you. It happens. But, thanks to this situation, those of your problem areas have become visible, having worked through which, you can find a worthy partner, if you want it. And if this person had not met on your life path, then these problem areas would have remained blind spots and there would have been practically no chance to solve problems that are not visible.
But the void can and should be filled, and it is up to you to decide how. You are still young, the best and most of your life is ahead. Do you have children. You have already fulfilled the "maximum" plan of most women. Do not cripple their psyche, do not make them see their mother's suffering anymore. The pain will go away and one day you will look back and not believe that it was with you.
Happy to you, Olga and all the best! I'd love to hear how you're doing, feel free to ask any questions.
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Unfortunately, love sometimes passes, and the contradictions in a couple, as divorce lawyers say, become irreconcilable. Many people recover quickly after a breakup and start building new relationships, but what if the emotional trauma turned out to be too deep? We offer to overcome the five steps of "rehabilitation" in order to get out of a difficult situation with your head held high and the firm intention to live happily.
Do not try to mask the pain and resentment after the breakup - cry and feel sorry for yourself as you should. Many psychologists recommend creating a whole ritual for this: sit on the floor in the center of an empty room and sob uncontrollably for a couple of hours. The urge to whimper all day should be gone after that. In TV programs devoted to parting (The Ex-Wives Club, Reboot, Take It Off Immediately, etc.), experts also recommend getting rid of the ex-lover’s personal belongings left in the house in any improvised way. We support: out of sight - out of mind! An excellent option for throwing off negative emotions will be classes in the gym - dancing will cheer you up, and boxing will help to throw out steam.
If earlier you literally could not imagine life without a partner, then after parting, you will certainly experience a feeling of emptiness: with whom now to spend evenings, for whom to cook breakfast, why go shopping and plan a vacation? Instead of couples entertainment, we advise you to take care of yourself. For example, take up a new hobby that you never had time for before. For example, Jennifer Aniston survived the breakup with Brad Pitt with the help of yoga. The moral is easy to guess: it is more effective to concentrate on self-development and strive forward than to slip in place.
Do not be afraid to be weak and pour out your soul to those you trust, although you should not abuse too frequent conversations with close friends, because they also have the right to rest. An assistant in this case can be an electronic game diary “Hello Next! Forget your ex" for iOS. In essence, it is a coach that is always at your fingertips: the application gives daily tasks to help you cope with emotional pain, regain self-confidence and, finally, find a new partner. In case of an acute attack of melancholy, feel free to press the SOS button and follow the instructions. Consider that you have found another friend, and he will never be "too busy" to cry into his vest.
No wonder they say that movement is life. No matter how much you want to spend all your days in bed, force yourself to get out of the house for walks or even jogs. At first it will not be easy, but over time, a positive result will affect both the emotional background and the physical form. Also, do not abuse cigarettes and alcohol - such an unhealthy outlet has been proven to eventually aggravate the condition and provoke feelings of guilt. Moreover, when drunk, you run the risk of doing things that you may regret.
A guilt complex often accompanies a breakup. Surely you are also thinking that you could be more accommodating in a relationship, look better, speak less harshly. If there really were mistakes, let them help to learn lessons for the future, but do not become a reason for self-flagellation. Instead of regretting the past, start journaling and write down your most desirable personal goals for the next month, year, and five years, and then make a list of small steps that will lead you to them. Think about what you can do for your happiness today?
The ground is covered with fluffy snow, the trees are leafless, the roads are slippery and the weather is windy and cold. Kids happily play snowballs, make snowmen. And only you have ice in your soul from a painfully set point after a failed relationship. The feeling of complete hopelessness and uselessness squeezes the throat and it's hard to breathe ... Today we'll talk about how to live after a breakup.
Often, after parting, a person says something like this about his feelings: “When we parted, everything around seemed to lose color, became black and white. Everything immediately lost its meaning. No desire to smile or have fun. I want to be sad and cry." And a man or a woman thinks at these moments that life is over, that it has lost all meaning, that the future will only wear gray shades.
If you are even a bit of a philosopher, then you know that a new blow of fate is always a fresh layer of protection on our armor. At the same time, the blows of fate are many-sided. These are partings, and dismissals, and interpersonal conflicts ... During such periods, we say that fate is testing us. And, as a rule, a person has a choice: to accept and go with the flow, or to fight for their happiness. That is why the strong are given to become even stronger in such situations, and the weak are destined to be broken.
Of course, every person dreams of happiness. Happiness in personal life, happiness in the professional sphere. But obstacles await everyone without exception. Yes, things happen in life. Even such things, after which they give up and do not want to live ...
In the period of any life strain, it is important to remember that this is not a denouement, not a fall into the abyss. This is a new chance - to make a choice in which direction to move on.
Imagine your life in the form of hundreds of roads. Each road represents a choice. Some people choose smooth, wide fast lanes, others make their way through grassy trails. And all these roads lead to happiness. Only some are faster and easier, while others are slower and more difficult. This comparison is excellent, because it gives a clear idea that in those moments when it seems that you are driven into a dead end by fate, you need to look back and see the path that was left behind. And at this moment to realize - that everything is not lived in vain. That there is a choice ahead - where to direct your feet and where to move. It's important not to stop. It's important to keep moving. And in order for the movement to be correct and easy, set yourself the task of being more resilient than before, a stronger person.
If someone offended you, for example, decided to part with you, forgive this person. Do not carry a heavy load of resentment around with you. After all, the heavier it is, the more difficult it will be for your next step. Only evil and weak people tend to drag their sad memories for years. And you need to leave everything superfluous, forget about the betrayal and the inflicted insult, and with a light heart continue your journey further. After all, everything that happens to you in life is an invaluable experience that is vital for your further growth and spiritual development.
There are special techniques for forgiveness. Thanks to them, you can forgive a person, let go of your resentment, take a deep breath of new fresh air and finally break free. It is up to you to choose whether to carry your heavy burden for the rest of your life or to cleanse yourself and stop this unthinkable pressure of unexperienced emotions and feelings.
Yes, it's not easy. But if this is not done, your future will not be easy either. You can start keeping a diary to write down everything you have experienced there - this will help you get through this time much easier, pour out all the accumulated negative emotions from the inside onto paper. We talked about that in a previous post.
Try to apply the following psychotechnics:
Sit comfortably. Relax (auto-training will help you a lot with this). Imagine yourself as a strong and seasoned person, with a lot of life baggage on your back. Then imagine a calendar. Mentally flip through the lived pages in it - day after day. Until the moment when an unpleasant event happened to you. And here you are, a person wise by life experience, hardened in all hardships and misfortunes, model the situation in such a way as to be able to shield yourself from what happened. Help keep yourself out of trouble. Do not become broken and killed. Analyze, fantasize - how could you help yourself, with what words and deeds? This psychotechnics works great if you approach it competently and seriously. If you really want to reach desired result, you can go through certain techniques with the leaders of the "Adaptation to Life" project and completely renew yourself internally, start new life. Feel how life plays with bright colors again, feel the state of flight and true inner freedom.
It seems that I have already moved away from parting, I don’t worry like before, but the desire to do something doesn’t return, sleep doesn’t normalize, I don’t sleep well, I don’t want to go somewhere, how to return joy?
You also need to be sad.
Odessa (Ukraine)
Parting very often breaks the way of life, which has its own
interest in life, goals
Parting very often breaks the way of life, in which there are their own, and after it there is a void that is not filled with what was.
Perhaps it is worth thinking about new goals, new interest and new joy?
I can't pick myself up and start doing what I want
I don't worry like before
- maybe you should ask for help?
Sometimes, for a start, you can lean on another, go through grief, loss, experiences together with him, and then, having become stronger, move on.
lean on someone else?
Odessa (Ukraine)
Now there is no way
lean on someone else?
Mary, I feel for you. How long ago did you break up?
how are you feeling? How do you feel what is happening to you? grc-eka.ru
Once it seemed to me that going through a breakup with a loved one is the worst thing that can happen. So you were there, we did everything together, we had plans for our future life - and suddenly it all goes somewhere.
He leaves with you, with whom we were connected so much: bright love, and periods of alienation, and living together over the years, and a child who loves us both equally...
The first reaction - of course, a stupor: what to do? How to live on? My thoughts keep returning to the past: what did I do wrong, what did I do wrong? But time goes by, putting everything in its place. And now what seemed irreparable and terrible becomes a source of strength and experience.
What have I learned by staying with myself?
First, I realized that I am a good mother. We have not made the child a tool for manipulation, we both love our daughter very much, and she feels it. It is thanks to this that it is now easier for her to accept the fact that "dad does not live with us now."
I realized that, it turns out, I can be a generous person! I sincerely tell my daughter how much you love her, how much you miss her! I found out about it when you left.
Second, I'm learning to be myself. There is a time when I can be alone. When I come to an empty apartment - and life seems to freeze for a while. I don't need to rush anywhere, I don't need to do anything...
In these few hours I belong only to myself. And I only do what I want. And that's great. I have never lived alone. Someone always lived next to me. And the fact that now I am learning to live with myself is wonderful and amazing.
Third, I have dreams. Of course they have been before. But now I saw that some of my desires are not dreams at all, but just nonsense. But I still want something, even though you are not around.
And that means that I really need it. These are my real desires. And I don't expect you to do them anymore. I am learning to reach my goals on my own. This makes me stronger.
Fourth, I learn to appreciate what I have. Maybe in hindsight - but it will come in handy for me in the future. Looking back, I see how sincere and patient your love was! I learned how a man can give his all to the woman he loves. And now it was my turn to learn to love just as selflessly.
Fourthly, I finally looked at our relationship from the outside. It was a shock, but thanks to this, I saw how gradually our family turned into some kind of gray daily habit.
And when the pain subsides, I begin to realize what kind of relationship I really want. While you were there, I had no reason to think that something did not suit me, that I wanted to change something. But you left - and life itself put this question before me. And I gradually find the answer to it.
Fifth, in this situation, I managed to remain a woman. And although I sometimes had the thought “why not send everything to the devil’s grandmother” - I didn’t mess up the firewood. After all, making decisions and implementing them is the prerogative of men. At least I think so. Now I know what it's like to just wait and do nothing.
And there are many other people in my life. While you were in my life, I didn’t even suspect that there are a lot of men, that they are different. And that they are ready to show attention to me and take care of me. Easily. Like a friend. This is a pleasant discovery!
And most importantly, your departure left me alone with myself. And this is perhaps the most valuable lesson. Who am I… what am I worth in this life… what do I want to do… who do I want to be with… I had no reason to think about it, because everything in my life seemed to be fine! And when everything collapsed in one day, I had to build my house from scratch. And this is already 100% my life.
And the most important advice
firstly, GIVE YOUR INSTALLATION - repeat 50 times that you are determined to forget him - because anyway, he will not go anywhere, if this is fate, then you will definitely converge, so you still have time to work on yourself - in any case, you can prove to him that he lost a lot
secondly, approximately determine the time frame by which you will “forget” him, then check yourself - how did you manage, and how much more is left to endure. . (Usually, with strong self-hypnosis, everything went away after 3 days and I don’t drive - it’s true, you can forget in 3 days, but what are they like - these three days. wow. ((((and on the 4th as good as new)
thirdly, people still advise for good reason - they correctly say that you need to communicate more, imagine how you would console a friend who got into such troubles ...
fourthly, load yourself with very responsible work, where you can’t lose heart and wind yourself up - so that there is no time for this. And.. . you know what will happen. YOU WILL BE TRANSFORMED, you will forget about everything that eats and nibbles you now, believe your condition is quite understandable, but nothing will happen to you! ! unless of course you just do it right! It is life that tests us and selects the strongest... remember the films in which the heroine fought for herself, remember everything that inspires you! This is not the end! You just need to survive, as if a broken knee - which heals for several months, and you will be faster and faster. GOOD LUCK! Don't be upset Sun
first get angry at him (or better at the situation), stop feeling sorry for yourself, take care of yourself, get rid of bitter thoughts, get distracted, do fitness or something else, take your free time. time so that there was no time to be sad.
It happens to everyone, I know from personal experience, everything passes and we become stronger and wiser. And the second love is even stronger than the first!
Sources:
How to bring joy back to life after a breakup
How to bring joy back to life after a breakup? I already seem to have moved away from parting, I don’t worry like before, but the desire to do something doesn’t return, sleep doesn’t normalize, I sleep badly, somewhere
http://www.b17.ru/forum/topic.php?id=51686
How to move on after a breakup
An article about how to move on after a breakup? - The psychology of relationships!
http://www.grc-eka.ru/break/spasibo-za-rasstavanie.html
I'm depressed after a breakup
Mantra asked a question in the Breakup category and got 14 replies
http://answer.mail.ru/question/20262584
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Has your man left you? This happens quite often and many have had to endure the despair and resentment that accompanies such a separation. It constantly sounds in my head, as if on a broken tape recorder: “For what? For what?.. ”Today we will try to at least somehow help you in this situation and tell you what to do so that such a crisis passes as soon as possible.
Probably every woman at least once in her life faced with such a nuisance as parting with a loved one. And this is really a very, very difficult test even for the most strong woman. And the only question that arises in the head of a woman during this period is how to survive after parting with a loved one? From the outside, this question may seem completely delusional. But those who have experienced this pain themselves will understand the urgency of this problem.
After all, in fact, the life of a woman after a break with a loved one for some time practically stops. Interest is lost literally in everything - in work, in their hobbies, in children, if they have any, in their appearance, and ultimately in food. Fortunately, in most cases this negative period does not last that long - two to three weeks, after which the woman begins to slowly recover. But, alas, this is far from always the case - some of the fair sex for a very long time fail to pull themselves together. And it threatens already real problems– for example, prolonged depression.
In no case should this be allowed - you need to start acting. Folk wisdom says that grief cannot be helped with tears. And this is true, unfortunately or fortunately. So wipe your tears, throw out your handkerchiefs, and forward to a brighter future. Of course, no one requires you to sing songs and give your radiant smiles in the very first days after the break.
Do you want to cry? Cry! Do you want to kill all the dishes in the house? Cheers, then buy a new one. Does your soul require to cut to shreds all things reminiscent of the former? Scissors to help you! Psychologists call this state a surge of negative emotions. And this is the most important stage on the path to recovery, which means that it is necessary to go through it. Yes, and you will be much easier, you'll see!
The first few days after the breakup, the woman cannot realize what happened. In psychology, this phenomenon is called the “period of denial”. No, with her brains, a woman perfectly understands what happened, but on an emotional level she refuses to believe in it. And until she believes, she will not be able to break out of this emotional state of hers.
Roared? Now sit down, stop crying for at least a minute and tell yourself the following - you, or rather, with you, broke off relations. The rupture of any relationship is almost always difficult to endure, and with two partners at once in a pair. And despite the fact that it was your ex-man who broke off the relationship, it is hardly easier for him now than for you. Oddly enough, but for most women, this gloating thought warms the soul. And that is true - you are not the only one to suffer? You have to take this current situation from this point of view.
Your subconscious mind refuses to believe in what is happening and no exhortations and attempts of common sense to get through to you do not help? Well, you have to act more drastically. To begin with, remove from prominent places all things reminiscent of your ex-man. All the same folk wisdom says that out of sight - out of mind. If your hand doesn’t rise to throw everything away, then at least collect everything in one box and put it away.
Of course, in the event that your husband left you, it will not be easy to do this - you can’t stuff the whole apartment into a closet. But you can also find a way out in this situation - go to your mother for a couple of days or even go to a rest home. By the way, at the same time change the situation, which will also only benefit you, mind you.
Psychologists say that the most difficult time immediately after the breakup is the first six weeks. It is important that this time period can be significantly reduced only if you firmly decide for yourself that this is the real end. Understand - let him go! Let it not be your fault, but only his decision. Don't hold back your tears. Cry enough, but do not forget to repeat to yourself a thousand times: “Yes, gone! He's gone forever!" And now, uttered for the thousand and first time, this phrase will once again cease to dominate you.
And with this, as a rule, very serious problems arise - almost every woman for a very long time hopes that a man will come to his senses and will definitely return to her, realizing what he has lost. And as long as a woman thinks about this, and not about how to start a new life after parting, she will not be able to get rid of mental anguish.
Pay attention to this! Such an understanding of the current situation is quite important. Therefore, if you manage and understand that this is really the end, then it is already worth a lot. Consider that this is the first victory, the first battle won in the war in the name of yourself. Become a strong person - a woman who knows how to cope with difficulties. And parting for her is nothing more than another, completely eliminated problem. You can get back on your feet and continue on your way, no matter what happens.
And if you continue to wait for the return of your prince, you will continue to wear down your already exhausted psyche. Is it worth it? As practice shows, less than a third of all men who broke off relations on their own initiative return. In addition, it is very important to ask yourself one simple question - do you really need this return? And more importantly, answer it honestly. After all, you perfectly understand that the betrayer once is likely to betray again. Are you ready to live permanently, as if on a powder keg?
Do not forget that your main goal is the most painless way out of this failed relationship. First of all, you must maintain your individuality and respect for yourself. And if you yourself became the initiator, then, for sure, you do not want to suffer remorse and want to forget about everything as soon as possible. In that case, read on:
In the event that you have never been particularly talkative, and sharing your problems with someone is somehow not in your habits, then you should start a personal diary. The diary is perhaps one of the best and most effective methods to get rid of all sorts of grievances, sad memories and depressing thoughts once and for all. You can easily get rid of the burden of piled problems.
Your diary is not only an excellent listener and interlocutor who is always with you in difficult moments of parting, but also a wonderful psychotherapist. In addition, the thought written on paper becomes clearer and more precise and easier to understand. As soon as you pour out all your grievances, insults and torments, they will immediately turn into the past and go away from you. Emotions and experiences no longer dominate the soul and seem to release you to freedom. You seem to take off, and calmness, self-control and common sense return to you again.
Very often you can hear the advice to burn everything written, thus trying to get rid of the negativity. But many psychologists say that you will already throw out the negative on paper, and re-reading about your current emotional state later, when everything stabilizes, will not only be very entertaining, but also useful. Just be careful that the diary does not fall into the wrong hands - there is no need for outsiders to delve into your dirty laundry, right?
Being alone with your problems is hard enough. This will prolong the recovery period after a breakup even longer. Don't lock yourself in. Tell your problems to as many people around you as possible. Psychoanalysis calls this approach the "method of dissipating grief." After a fairly short period of time, you will feel sufficient lightness, as if a stone has fallen from your soul. Chat with your girlfriends. They will listen to you and give you some advice.
It's always nice to talk to a smart person, isn't it? And besides, it is also very useful! Sit comfortably in front of a mirror. Then try to talk to yourself. Tell yourself about your problems. Psychologists say that this kind of therapy is very successful in dealing with depression and stress.
By the way, while practicing near your mirror, end the session with a facial expression lesson. Make yourself a funny face, and your mood will immediately go uphill. Just try to convince yourself that the problem is not worth a damn. And with such a trifle, you can definitely handle it.
Remember: our mental and mental state is directly related to our body. By playing sports and training your body, you will be able to cope with other problems. Work until you lose momentum. It doesn’t matter how you load yourself: you can do strength training, running, fitness, or start a general cleaning with furniture rearrangement in all rooms and general repairs.
Doesn't matter! The main thing is that you exercise physically. In some cases, it is useful to shout loudly or sob uncontrollably. The main task is to let off steam, let negative emotions come out, do not accumulate inside you, do not store them, otherwise they will gradually destroy you from the inside. Yes, and at night you will sleep much better - you simply will not have the strength to cry into the pillow.
Plunge into the work with your head. It's just a magical method for solving all problems. Parting with a loved one will pass much faster and more imperceptibly for you. Actively working, you will forget about your troubles and problems, distract from them. Yes, work has another invaluable plus - it is not only psychotherapy, but also a way to earn money, which means you get a double benefit. And maybe even a promotion up the career ladder.
Not only psychiatrists, but also other doctors are confident that regular exercise helps relieve stress. Better get over yourself and go to a fitness club or gym. Don't forget fresh air. Nature also has healing properties. Go for a walk in the park. Treat yourself! Reread a book you love or watch a good movie. Pay attention to yourself.
Dress smartly, even if you don't want to go anywhere that evening. Just stay at home and cook what you like for dinner. Or go to friends, take part in fun and noisy parties - this way you will distract yourself from sad thoughts. Your life should not stop and freeze. There must be events and changes.
Did you know that meditation is a great way to replace the never-drying rivers of tears with something. A meditative state, calm and relaxed, allows you to achieve peace and clarity. During meditation, recovery occurs several times faster than even during sleep. And it does not matter that you have not come across this before - go to study, fortunately, there are a great many such centers.
is also an important point in the treatment of depression and depression. You must always eat right. Only in the cinema the main character, after another parting, is saved by a ton of chocolate and a pood of marmalade. In life, it is better to give up spicy and sweet altogether if you want to quickly return to normal and forget about depression. All kinds of fruits and vegetables, mineral water and natural juices will help you and are simply necessary for a speedy recovery. But if you want to prolong the life of your neurosis, then continue to eat kilograms of cakes, singing all this with red wine.
Throw out everything superfluous from your house, even what is in no way with yours. ex-man not related. Do you want to start a new life? So, it is necessary to part with any reminders of her. By the way, ideally it would be nice to do repairs and replace furniture. Of course, if your financial capabilities allow it.
You should recover from the loss and take care of yourself. Set yourself the goal of returning to a new life - a life without him. Try to remember who you were before him, what occupied and worried you to a greater extent, what you would like to do, and what dreams you put aside then. Today you have a rare and wonderful opportunity to express your personality by following your desires.
You should not dream of revenge - such a reaction will not give you the desired relief, but will only reopen old wounds. It should be understood that a smart, strong and adult woman, personalities and personality, able to endure a breakup. And in general it is enough to think about it and constantly cry!
Remember all the insults that he inflicted on you during your relationship with him, all the prohibitions. Now put on the red short dress that has always been your favorite, and he forbade you to wear it, because it seemed vulgar to him. call best friend, with which he forbade you to communicate, as he said that it was stupid. And go for a walk and have fun in a club or somewhere else. Must be with your best friends and girlfriends, to whom he was jealous of you and with whom he forbade to communicate. Life is great without it! It's even much better! So don't procrastinate and start your new and, most importantly, happy life!
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