No one can remain calm when they say "I no longer love" or "I love another." Worldly wisdom (“everything is for the better”, “you will have a hundred more of these”, “even Hollywood beauties are thrown”) seem to be nonsense - and I want only one thing: to wake up and understand that everything was in a stupid dream. But days, weeks go by, and you don’t wake up, which means that this is really happening to you. Troubles could be expected from anywhere: they could be fired from work, steal a mobile phone in a minibus, get nasty in line. But you could not expect that the closest person would cause pain. At this moment, you feel crushed, because you were not ready for betrayal. And it is not clear what to do next. Psychologists advise - to worry.
According to Freud and other supporters of the psychoanalytic concept, the situation of a break with a loved one always refers our unconscious to the first experience of abandonment - separation from the mother in early childhood. The circumstances could be very different: your mother went to work early or you were in the hospital and they didn’t let her in, or perhaps your parents were too strict. The result is the same - experiencing a break in personal relationships, a girl who experienced a lack of love in her childhood will think: "I guess I'm not worthy of love."
“When Denis told me that he was leaving, I was, of course, shocked,” says Inna (25). But at the same time, she seemed to understand, to justify him. After all, he is so successful, smart, handsome, and I? She graduated from a dubious institute and is far from being a beauty. Of course, I'm not a match for him. Psychologist of the Moscow Service psychological help Vladimir Dmitriev I am sure that a small child who experienced a lack of parental love in childhood (and he always explained the inattention by the fact that he is not worthy), having matured, tries to earn it.
He believes that he must become better in order to be loved. “When I began to analyze our relationship, I realized that I was constantly trying to match Denis, I dreamed of pleasing him. I still didn’t fully understand why he chose me, so I tried to earn his love, ”Inna’s words confirm the theory.
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According to Vladimir Dmitriev, the “childish story” that a person carries in himself is very clearly manifested in the experience of a breakup: “Exploring it with a client, we return to the past and find a child living with a feeling of lack of love.”
It is not uncommon to hear from a person experiencing a breakup with a loved one that he feels this event as death (of his own, partner or relationship). These feelings have a psychological explanation - indeed, the experience of a breakup often goes through the same stages as the experience of loss. Usually experts distinguish five stages: shock and numbness, denial and withdrawal, recognition and pain, acceptance and rebirth, and in the final - life after the end of the grief experience. “As a rule, people who are at the third stage of experience turn to a psychologist,” says Vladimir Dmitriev. “They feel intense pain and grief that turns into anger. They are angry at themselves, at the departed partner, the injustice of the world. In the fourth stage, mental pain decreases. And parting takes on meaning, meaning in life, its place in the “personal history”. Then the experiencer begins to establish life in a new way, then new events happen and new people appear. While we are in great pain, it is impossible to analyze the situation. But when the pain lets go, it is important to remember that any event, even a very difficult one, can enrich our lives if we look at the incident from the right angle.
“Two years ago, my husband came home from work and said that he had fallen in love and could not help himself,” says Valeria (29). - When I found out that his new passion, born in 1990, experienced a powerful explosion of the most terrible feelings - anger, resentment, envy, jealousy, pity for myself and for our child. For a year I remembered my ex-husband only with curses, but now I am grateful to him - for a wonderful son and for meeting with an amazing man, which would not have taken place if my husband had not left me. Vladimir Dmitriev explains that during the rethinking of what happened, we create a personal story with our own hands. The same event, such as a breakup, can be perceived differently by different people: as part of a success story (“thank you for three years of happiness, for a child, for the opportunity to meet love”) or as part of a victim’s story (“I’m always abandoned”, "all men are the same"
As a rule, it takes about a year to recover from a broken relationship. During this time, you need to live alone all the significant dates for the couple (anniversary of the first meeting, declarations of love). Vladimir Dmitriev believes that some aggravating circumstances of parting can increase the duration of the experience. If the familiar world collapses (for example, the spouses were together for a very long time or the woman found out about the man's double life), then the experience is stretched in time. But if both partners understand that the relationship has exhausted itself, openly talk about their feelings, thank each other and peacefully disperse, then the experience is relatively painless. This does not mean that an amicable, wise parting does not leave a trace in the human soul at all. Also, this does not mean that people who are able to part peacefully are robots without a heart. It’s just that a man and a woman in this case will experience bright sadness, and not exhausting pain, depriving them of strength and desire to live on.
“Most false gentleman men don’t want to initiate a breakup,” says Masha (26). - Instead of breaking up with an unloved girlfriend themselves, they do everything to make the relationship unbearable for the girl. So it was with me - Dima stopped paying attention to me, he came late, and I plucked up the courage and voiced his desire: "Let's part." There were no scandals, just sat down and discussed everything. It was important to talk about us with him, and not to rub personal problems with friends. It turned out to hear some words that were terribly insulting and painful, but very useful (I later realized this). In my opinion, I survived the breakup much faster than many of my friends.
Most girls (70%) blame themselves for what happened after the breakup. They ask the emptiness again and again: what did I do wrong? for what? what do i need to fix? did you have to behave/dress/have sex differently? After parting, a lot of energy is spent on analyzing their own behavior and giving themselves unsatisfactory marks.
“Now it’s even embarrassing to remember what I thought about myself after my husband left me,” shares Polina (28). - When self-flagellation went off scale (I got to the point that I considered one of the reasons for his departure to be the lack of smoothness of my legs), it was as if the brake light inside worked. Then I was able to stop and remember that even men left completely ideal women, actresses and photo models. It’s funny, but the thought made me feel better.”
Guilt always accompanies the experience of loss, whether it be death or the loss of a loved one. You need to remember that this is normal, and at the same time try to find at least anger or anger in your soul. After all, if you can already feel them, then the denouement is quite close. In the process of experiencing, you are faced with the fact that a variety of emotions live inside you, most of them are unsightly, but they are necessary in order to learn a lesson from what is happening, and therefore insure yourself against meeting the same rake.
What words do we hear from friends and relatives who are trying to support us? Of course, “don't worry”, “forget it”. By the way, this is the worst thing you can do. Psychologists recommend to worry.
“Whether the experience of a gap becomes a shackle that does not allow moving forward, or a treasure, largely depends on how we survive it,” says Vladimir Dmitriev. - Sometimes the pain due to the loss of trust (for example, in the case of betrayal) or broken hopes is so strong that you want to forget everything, just erase what happened from memory. But more often than not, we can’t get over a breakup precisely because we’re trying to forget it.” Well-meaning friends advise you to return gifts, change your hairstyle or start a new romance as soon as possible. And some of us listen to others, others to ourselves. The latter are correct.
“At first I wanted to throw away everything that reminds me of Oleg and even dyed my hair blonde,” says Irena (22). - She went through not herself with bleached hair for exactly one day and returned natural color. Good thing I didn't delete the photos from my computer. It's part of my life! A few months later, she was able to remember our joint trips with a smile, and not with tears in her eyes. Vladimir Dmitriev explains that “survive” and “forget” are fundamentally different strategies. Forgetting interferes with experience. It's like trying to treat an illness with painkillers. Anesthesia can be useful only at the very beginning. Then it deprives you not so much of pain as of the opportunity to overcome the disease.
“I hate myself crying and have never allowed myself to cry, even in front of my friends. Probably, dad, who raised me strictly, like a boy, did his job, says Varya (23). - When the young man with whom we lived together for four years left me, she did not shed a tear. I was terribly ill, but I thought that crying was humiliating. At the fourth meeting with a psychologist, I finally began to cry and sobbed for half an hour. And then things got off the ground."
The process of experience is also interfered with by illusions. We deceive ourselves by saying: “Yes, I don’t need him, I’m not offended at all, I’ll go to a corporate party with another, let him see ...” Fantasies pass, they are replaced by one another, but real emotions exist, even if you want to forget about them. Don't let yourself experience them. The fact is that trapped feelings will still come out - in the form of depression or health problems. “Emotions are a huge force,” says Vladimir Dmitriev. “If we break contact with them, this force becomes uncontrollable and we have to “tame” it with the help of a psychologist.” 7 unhealthy ways to get over a breakup.
Psychotherapists like to ask clients: what happens if the leg of the table breaks? The correct answer is: if there is only one leg, it will cease to be a table. If there are many legs, it will remain the same. Therefore, the more important and beloved things, people in life, the higher the stability in any crisis situation, including during the experience of a break.
According to the Moscow psychological assistance service:
Alena Legostaeva
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People do not always have only pleasant moments in life. Once a man and a woman meet, meet, experience euphoric feelings. However, time passes, everything becomes boring, life becomes monotonous, disagreements arise over any trifle, feelings pass. For various reasons, modern people break up, leaving their former partners in. If you are the one with whom you broke up, then you too are in some uncomfortable state that you cannot get rid of and do not know how to survive.
Depression after parting is a kind of defense mechanism of the psyche, which does not yet accept reality. And when a person is left, it becomes an indicator of dislike for him. The psyche defends itself, going into depression, apathy, an oppressed state, when a person needs to be given time to come to terms with reality.
Depression after parting lasts exactly as long as the person himself allows. The first thing the sufferer needs to realize is that he himself controls the amount of time that will be allotted for his depressive state. Of course, an emotional outburst is difficult to eliminate on the very first day after a breakup. However, you can help yourself to overcome this condition. And here the person must do the following:
To understand how to get rid of depression after a breakup, you need to understand what is happening. Each case is individual, so you need to look at the root of depression, which occurs in everyone, but has its own reasons for appearing. Depression after a breakup is one of the stages of a person’s humility with a breakup. Psychologists call 5 stages of a person's humility with any kind of loss, including parting.
Depression is the fourth stage of resignation after denial, anger and bargaining.
At the fourth stage of resignation to the inevitable, psychologists recommend starting with the acceptance of reality. No matter how bitter you may be, but you must realize what happened, why it happened, what you end up with and come to terms with it. Thus, depression after a breakup is just a stage of humility. If a person goes through it, then the next stage will be the beginning of a new life, when a person again begins to feel inside the desire to go somewhere, to be interested in something, to get to know other people.
Depression after parting is also the lack of humility of a person with reality. This is what can happen if a person does not want to let go of a relationship. Depression is when a person does not want to put up with the fact that a loved one is no longer in his life. Instead of humility, a person chooses resistance to reality, which contributes to even greater immersion in depression, since reality cannot be changed by resistance alone.
If they leave you, let go. If a person returns, then he needs you; if he doesn't come back, then he never needed you.
Many loving people make the mistake of being afraid to let go of their loved ones. Of course, you don’t want to let go when you love and are ready to fight for your love. But if you look at the whole situation with a calm and clear look, you understand that it is better to let go of a person who does not want to be with you than to keep him near you, make him suffer and suffer along with him. After all, think for yourself: you force a person to be near you. Can it bring him happiness? Can an unhappy person make you happy?
If they leave you, let go, no matter how painful it may be. Often people are afraid to let go of their loved ones, because somewhere deep down they understand that they are not loved, that they do not want to be with them, etc. And what if the person returned to you? He did it of his own free will. Note the difference: not you, but he himself decided to return to you for some reason of his own. This is very different from when you force someone to be around you.
Therefore, fulfill the desire of the other person: let him go if he does not want to be with you. Let him live the way he wants, not you. And if he comes back to you, then he wants to be with you. And if not, then he never valued the relationship that he had with you.
We continue to analyze further what depression after a breakup is. In some cases, this condition occurs due to the fact that a person considers himself the center of his former partner's life. If you leave such a person, he will simply be at a loss: “How could they leave me! I'm the best one."
In such a situation, you need to get rid of the thought of your own ideality and indispensability. Not all people will love you. Not all people will like you. Not all people have to live for you. Objectively evaluate your behavior and character, then you can understand why the separation happened.
Another cause of depression after a breakup is the exaggeration of one's own feelings. Sometimes a person just thinks that he loves his ex-partner, but in fact it is not. A person suffers because of what seems tragic to him, although in fact he is even happy about what happened.
And the most common cause of depression after a breakup can be the spirit of competition. It occurs in situations where the former partner does not just leave, but goes to another person. Here there is a desire to prove to oneself that the person is the best, and his ex-partner made a mistake. When a partner changes one person for another, then a feeling of inferiority arises, which is why depression appears.
Obviously, feelings of depression after a breakup can be eliminated when you understand the reasons for its occurrence. Consider other ways to get rid of apathy.
How strong and eternal your love is. Sometimes people suffer from the feelings that are caused in them by the hormones of happiness and love. Sexual attraction, attachment, dependence on a partner, or just a feeling of joy next to him makes a person suffer because of a breakup. If your feelings are "hormonal", then you should understand that your depression will be quickly overcome.
How to survive after a breakup? Most likely, any person who is faced with a breakup needs not simple recommendations, but actionable advice. Therefore, we will offer you practical ways to survive after a breakup, no matter how difficult it may be.
Each person has a choice: to be sad or not to be sad, to cry or not to cry, to laugh or be calm. And the most interesting thing is that parting with another person cannot be difficult or not difficult either. The bitterness and severity of your breakup depends only on how you yourself feel about the situation of parting. There are people who have fun the very next day because of their freedom. There are people who spend another six months or a year mourning lost feelings and relationships. Everything depends on the person himself. You have a choice. And you can choose to let go of relationships in the past, stop thinking about them and enjoy your freedom. Start suggesting to yourself that you are now much happier than you were in a relationship with the person who left you. And in general, choose the position not to think about what has passed, what is left in the past.
Parting is the more difficult it is that it seems to you that you are losing something, and not gaining. Relationships seem to you a brighter period of your life than freedom and distance from a person who annoys you, deceives, cheats, beats, etc. Try to understand for yourself that breaking up a relationship gave you more than you had in these relationships, and then it will be much easier for you to recover.
“Now I can live the way I want to”, “Now I will decide for myself what to do and what to be”, “Now no one will make me scandals in the evenings”, “Now I can eat, be full and find yourself a man who loves donuts. Find the "pros" in breaking up with that person who did not appreciate you and did not love you. Surely the partner limited you in some way, offended, humiliated, deceived. Parting gives you the opportunity not to limit yourself, not to humiliate and offend. Find the "pros" and think only about them! “The breakup saved me from a person who did not want to respect, understand and love me. The breakup gave me the opportunity to be myself, to be free, to be good in any form, condition and situation.
Do not worry! Why should you worry? Broke up? This happens, especially if it was impossible to create the “bright future” that you dreamed about with a former partner. You don't need to worry. You got rid of a person who thought more about himself than about you, who did not want to hear from you and was not ready to compromise, to make concessions for the sake of maintaining a relationship. You broke up with a person who did not make your life happy. So, why worry and grieve for someone who could not give you anything good?
If you look around you, you will see that on the street you can meet a lot of single men and women. You grieve for some one person, and around you there are a lot of contenders for your hand and heart. Who is stopping you from meeting another person who, perhaps, will sincerely love you?
You may meet a better partner. If you sincerely want, do your best and are ready, you can attract someone with whom you will be happy. So believe that you deserve it! What do you choose: cry and withdraw or clean up and find a partner with whom you will feel good and happy?
There are many ways to deal with depression after a breakup. Psychologists offer the following methods:
If a person leaves you, do not try to stop him. There are two reasons for this position:
If a person leaves you, do not try to stop him. In the future, he will manipulate his departure from you after every fight. Imagine that a person decided to leave you, but you stopped him. You are well done! But after all, the next time misunderstandings begin between you, your partner will again want to solve his problems by leaving you. Moreover, he may see that you are trying to return him every time, which means that the partner will leave you all the time as soon as he does not like something.
Let the person be responsible for their decisions, even if you suffer a little from it. Do not keep forcibly near you, let the person act and be responsible for his actions. If he made a mistake and made the wrong decision, he will soon try to correct it. And if a person does not return to you, then your relationship was not destined to last forever. Accept it and let it go. After all, there is still a whole life ahead, which is better filled with other people who are interested in you and in relationships with you.
Breakups are an inevitable part of life. After breaks with loved ones and divorces, it is very difficult to come to your senses. Some never fully recover their spiritual strength, and they carry pain with them for the rest of their lives, carrying past disappointments into new relationships. Others generally refuse to start serious novels, fearing new breakups and new pain.
How to survive a breakup? Among women, the recipe of our grandmothers called "knock out with a wedge" is very popular. It seems to them that immediately after the breakup, they need to start a new romance, and another man will inevitably oust the old one from memory. However, throwing yourself into a new relationship without healing the wounds inflicted by the old ones is the worst thing you can do in this situation. A new relationship immediately puts a woman in a dependent position: they do not allow her to feel pain. Such dependence brings nothing but new disappointments and, as a result, the emergence of a new dependence on the next "wedge". That is why a woman who has never learned to feel happy and comfortable alone will never be truly happy with a man. So, we learn to overcome the pain of previous relationships and feel happy being alone. How easy is it to get over a breakup?
1. Give yourself time to heal
Don't push yourself, take your time - it can take quite a while. There is nothing terrible in tears and bitter memories, but do not let them turn you into a hermit, constantly sitting at home and grieving about unfulfilled hopes.
2. Try to be constantly busy with something
There should not be a minute of free time in the schedule of your day. In order to survive a breakup, everything will do: another job, charity, hobby.
3. Go in for sports and go on a diet.
In addition to the influx of endorphins, fitness classes will help you make new acquaintances among the gym goers. In addition, fitness and diet will not only improve your appearance, but also increase your self-esteem.
4. Make an effort and meet new people
Take a walk in the park, go to a concert, to a club, to the cinema - there you can make a couple of meaningless acquaintances. Let your social circle expand - this will give you the opportunity to spend time with those who have no idea about your "ex".
5. Seek help from professionals
There is nothing shameful in contacting a psychologist or psychotherapist. If a stranger does not suit you as a psychotherapist, contact a friend who is a professional psychologist, take a couple of online tests, chat on Internet forums. You will definitely feel better.
6. Surround yourself with family and friends
If your relationships with family and friends have suffered significantly due to the fact that you devoted most of your time to the "ex", then now is the best time to restore old ties.
7. Focus on yourself
Most of the energy went into the furnace of relationships, and now is the time to focus solely on yourself. Take baths, go for massages, facials, manicures and pedicures, go shopping, read a tearful love story where the main character, with the light hand of the author, is tormented by the question "how to survive a breakup with a loved one?", Or watch a stupid TV series.
8. Strengthen yourself spiritually
Visiting a church helps someone, someone prefers to open the chakras, someone is engaged in meditation, and someone is shown reflections in the bosom of nature. Reassessment of values is not far off.
9. Help others
Advise something to a friend who is also going through a breakup with a man, only feels a hundred times worse. Helping someone who is going through a painful breakup will help you stop feeling sorry for yourself and focus all your attention on the other person.
10. Get a four-legged friend
Studies show that people who have pets live longer and feel much happier than those who do not have a four-legged friend. The realization that at home you are not waiting for an empty apartment with sad memories, but a living being, can help you survive the pain of parting.
In the life of almost every person, sooner or later, parting occurs. Our life is arranged in such a way that from time to time we have to part with something or someone. Sometimes it overtakes us suddenly, and sometimes naturally, when the relationship is already becoming obsolete.
But, as a rule, parting is always a painful process, especially if you have to part with your loved one. It's like falling into a deep hole full of sadness, pain and disappointment. And sometimes at this moment you can’t even believe that someday you will find a way out of this “valley of tears”. But no matter how it seems to us that the whole world is collapsing, we must not forget that all this is temporary.
Getting used to the thought of loss is difficult, and sometimes it seems completely impossible. Looking forward is scary, looking back is painful.
In psychology, separation is called the loss of a relationship. In 1969, American psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced what has come to be known as the "5 Stages of Loss," the process of experiencing a breakup before we are ready for a new relationship.
This is a state of shock, when we have not “got it” yet. At this stage, what happened is simply “unbelievable”. The head seems to understand, but the feelings seem to be frozen. It seems like it should be sad and bad, but you can’t.
After the initial awareness of what happened, we begin to get angry. This is a difficult phase in which pain, resentment, and anger are mixed. Anger can be obvious and open, or it can hide somewhere inside under the guise of irritation or physical ailment.
Anger can also be directed at a situation, another person, or oneself. In the latter case, we are talking about auto-aggression, which is also called guilt. Try not to blame yourself!
Also, very often, an internal prohibition on aggression is included - in this case, the work of loss is inhibited. If we do not allow ourselves to be angry, then we “hang” at this stage and cannot let go of the situation. If the anger was not expressed and the loss was not mourned, then you can get stuck at this stage and live your whole life like that. It is necessary to allow all feelings to come out and it is due to this that relief, healing occurs.
Here we are covered with a lot of thoughts about what and how could be done differently. We invent the most different ways to deceive oneself, to believe in the possibility of returning lost relationships or to amuse oneself that all is not lost. It's like we're on a swing. At this stage of loss, we are somewhere between fear of the future and the inability to live in the past.
To start new life, you need to do away with the old.
The stage comes when the psyche no longer denies what happened, and the understanding comes that it is pointless to look for the guilty, to sort things out. The fact of parting, the loss of something valuable that was in these relations, has come true. Everything has already happened, nothing can be changed.
At this stage, we mourn the loss, miss what was so important and necessary. And we can’t imagine how to live on - we just exist.
Slowly, we begin to crawl out of the quagmire of pain and sadness. Looking around, looking for new meanings and ways to live. Of course, thoughts about the lost still visit, but now we are already able to think about why and why all this happened to us. We draw conclusions, learn to live independently and enjoy something new. New people, new events appear in life.
From several days to several months, and for some even years. For each case, these figures are individual, since different factors influence this: the duration and intensity of the relationship, the reason for the separation. Often different emotional stages flow smoothly into each other or repeat.
In addition, the behavior and attitude towards this critical event is individual for everyone. While some people experience this grief for months, others quickly find themselves a new adventure in order to quickly forget about parting. And it is very important to give yourself enough time to survive the breakup, to accept, realize, transform the situation and learn a life lesson.
There is a common truth: “Any difficult situation, any crisis is not a “misfortune”, but a test. A test is an opportunity to grow, to take a step towards personal excellence and a better life.”
To improve your emotional state, do not allow yourself to be “lazy” and close within four walls. Let every day bring something new, let it be filled with actions, deeds, trips, meetings, new discoveries and small pleasures. Go wherever nature, the sun, children's laughter, where people smile and laugh.
Grief has many physiological manifestations, causes insomnia, apathy, loss of appetite, disorders of the gastrointestinal tract, cardiovascular system, provokes a decrease in the protective properties of the body.
With an incomplete breakup, the help of a psychotherapist is required, as the trauma of losing a loved one continues to destroy life, taking away his inner strength. If you feel pain, resentment, anger, anxiety, irritability, or anxiety when remembering a breakup, then the breakup is not yet complete.
Psychotherapy is aimed at a person going through all the stages of experiencing loss. The psychologist helps the client to become aware of and express previously repressed feelings through the methods of body-oriented therapy (based on working with the body and emotions).
With love, your Angela Lozyan
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Any woman needs a lot of time in order to survive and understand what happened.
According to UN statistics for 2011, Russia is in first place in terms of the number of divorces in the world. Every second officially registered marriage breaks up. This means that there are many women who have gone through this test. Similar problems are faced all over the world. You need to understand that divorce is not the end, but a new beginning.
If family life lasted a long time and had emotional and spiritual significance for a person, then an unexpected break is always stressful, which is experienced as grief.
Women react differently to divorce, but everyone has to go through certain stages. The whole sequence of experiences is similar to what people experience after the death of a loved one. In a sense, divorce can be seen as the "death" of the family.
The threads of human relationships cannot break overnight, leaving no trace, simply after the signing of a legal document. It takes months and even years to start living fully again.
Experiences after a divorce have several phases. Depending on the phase in which you are now, the recommendations of psychologists that correspond to the state will help. The time frames of the phases are arbitrary, since divorce and the relationship that precedes it can be confusing, full of hope and despair, replacing each other. Therefore, some phases may be delayed.
shock phase
Shock is the initial reaction of any person to grief. The shock usually lasts from several minutes to several months, but most often - about 10-12 days.
At this time, it is not easy to believe at all what happened. For example, you found out about the betrayal, or he reported that he wanted a divorce and left. Even just believing it is impossible.
It can help to have friends and loved ones around you. If you manage to tell someone about what happened, express your feelings, maybe cry a lot - you may feel that it has become at least a little easier.
Phase of depression and conscious suffering
On average, this period lasts 8-9 weeks. This is a time of mental turmoil and experiences, when the feeling of the meaninglessness of life, loneliness, fear and helplessness is fully manifested. A woman left alone after a divorce, a break with her beloved, usually experiences many conflicting feelings.
If you are going through this critical period of your life right now, you are most likely familiar with a variety of feelings, as if tangled in a ball. This is a feeling of guilt for not keeping her husband and not saving the family, and pain, and resentment, and bewilderment. Emotions overwhelm and interfere with understanding. Try to understand, to see from the side of your experiences. During this period, friends and family who will be ready to listen to you can help. Try to speak out, don't keep your feelings to yourself.
A strong feeling is highly unproductive. It can become destructive if you go headlong into it. Psychologists working with people who have gone through a divorce have found that mental anguish usually ends when a person stops blaming himself for failure and begins to understand that it takes two people to bring a family to ruin.
Do not focus only on your experiences. Remember that there are people around you who are also having a hard time. These are, for example, your children, who are having a hard time with what is happening. They need a father they love. Therefore, reassure the children that they will be able to see their dad quite often. It is also important, despite your suffering, to start making plans for the future life and find support in yourself.
Residual phase
It lasts about a year after the divorce. At this stage, the experience of grief does not dominate, it sometimes appears in the form of small but strong emotional upheavals. The reason for them may be a chance meeting with her husband, some events - for example, the first birthday without him, the first New Year Without a husband.
The difficulties of experiencing the phase of residual phenomena after a divorce are also in the fact that, as a rule, there are quite a lot of reminders of a husband - mutual friends, relatives, the opportunity to talk on the phone at any time. On the one hand, these are heavy reminders of the loss, and on the other hand, the opportunity to gradually get used to a new relationship. Divorce is complicated by the fact that concentrating on the best qualities of a husband does not happen often and not soon.
Completion phase
It comes in about a year. Now, remembering the breakup, a woman is no longer experiencing grief, but sadness - a feeling of a completely different nature.
Time heals mental wounds. It develops a habit of coping with problems alone and joy if you succeed. Self-respect is restored. A year or two later, the need for new love arises again.
Psychological work is considered close to completion when you gain hope and the ability to plan for the future. Unexpectedly for yourself, you begin to look forward, and not look back, and you also realize that obsessive thoughts have stopped - you no longer expect to return your marriage, you understand that you can live a full life.
Pain is replaced by hope. It turns out that life after divorce really exists. Your future seems brighter through the prism of past suffering.
Tips for getting over a breakup easier
1.Leaving go!
Don't look to meet ex-husband. Yes, I really want to tell him everything that you think about him, find out what he is like without you, and so on. But the fact is that the first time after parting, you simply cannot communicate with him without a flurry of emotions and mutual insults, which is fraught with scandals that will not bring anything good and will only add negative experiences.
2. Take action!
Try to immediately change the situation, start acting. For example, now no one will interfere with redevelopment the way you want it. You can even start a renovation. If, after a divorce, you moved to your parents, then immediately take care of establishing a comfortable life there. The main thing is not to "freeze" yourself, but to act.
3. Rough fun won't help
You should not try to survive a divorce by diving headlong into destructive entertainment. No noisy parties and nightclubs at first - it's better to wait a bit. At first glance, it seems that reckless fun will distract from thoughts about the past, from thoughts about divorce. Perhaps this will really help, but for a very short time, after which depression will cover with renewed vigor.
4. Urgent - to the beauty salon!
Take care of your appearance. Do it for yourself simply because you love yourself and may well indulge in pleasant beauty treatments. This will help to distract, in addition, the internal state and appearance are closely interconnected. Having lost shape, it will then be difficult to restore it. Then to heartache associated with divorce, sadness about the blurry figure will also be added. But you will need an irresistible appearance when, having survived a divorce, you begin to look for a more worthy man.
5. In the same river - do not enter twice
Almost all women want their marriage back shortly after a divorce. ex-spouse forgiving him everything. Do not give in to this desire - first, cool down a bit. Only if the persistent desire to return the ex-husband has not disappeared even six months after the divorce, you can try. If the intention to return it has disappeared, then parting for you is only for the good.
6. Wedge wedge - does not work!
In the first time after a divorce, try not to start novels. It is generally accepted that this is the best way out. However, the romance, started shortly after parting, is doomed to failure. Having started an affair with a man immediately after a divorce, you will subconsciously compare him with your former lover, find fault and make comments to him, get angry, look for shortcomings in a new partner and get nervous. This dooms any relationship to failure, and when parting, it will add another difficult psychological trauma. Which will not only nullify attempts to adequately survive a divorce, but also aggravate the situation.
7. healing sleep
Healthy sleep helps with all diseases, including mental trauma. In the early days after a divorce, it is especially important to get enough sleep. The more sleep you get, the sooner you will regain your peace of mind after a breakup.
8. Alcohol is not allowed!
Never try to drown your grief in alcohol. Alcohol does not so much cheer up as it enhances the existing one. If you are depressed after a breakup, alcohol will make it worse. Even if it is able to cause a short-term feeling of euphoria, then all the problems will return along with a hangover, which will only aggravate the pain.
It has been proven that after a divorce, a woman is often threatened with a real opportunity to get drunk, so bypass alcohol three miles away. Do not destroy yourself and do not bring joy to your rival (in case the husband left you for his mistress, she will only be pleased with your problems).
9. Don't blame yourself
If you have children, then there is no need to blame yourself for the fact that they are left from the father - this is not your fault. Children now really need your attention, because divorce is the strongest stress for them too.
Summing up
Surviving a divorce is actually not as scary as it seems at first glance. You just need to pull yourself together and not indulge your weaknesses. You should not withdraw into yourself, sit back and bury yourself ahead of time, deciding that nothing good awaits you anymore.
In a few years, you will not even remember this parting, and it is possible that you will laugh at your own experiences. But in order to adequately survive a divorce, you have to work on yourself. What you will be in a few years, what place you will take in life, whether you will find another man for yourself - in many ways it depends solely on you.
Here is a comforting fact for those who are going through the first phases after a divorce: after a while, most women regret that they lost so much precious time in an unsuccessful union and did not file for divorce themselves.
Quote: “Happiness is good for the body, but only grief develops the abilities of the spirit”.
Marcel Proust
