What is a substitutive relationship?
Western psychologists are actively discussing the so-called "rebound" ("recovery", "return", "rollback" - English), i.e. relationships in which a person enters a period of acute experiences after a breakup. Substitutive relationships can also arise before the break, during the period of emotional separation of partners.
The experience of losing a relationship lasts for different lengths of time for different people. For some, a couple of months is enough, for others, the process takes years. The duration and intensity of experiences depends on the individual characteristics of the person, on the quality of the relationship, and also on the time during which they lasted.
For a person who has just gone through a breakup, it is often characteristic that he will not be able to withstand the emotional pain and that he urgently needs to find solace. In addition, the gap may be preceded by years of unsatisfactory relationships and, as a result, the feeling that a lot of time has been lost. There is a desire to make up for the lost right now, by all means. In a substitutionary relationship, you can escape from obsessive thoughts and feelings about your ex-partner, get sexual satisfaction, and occupy “empty” evenings and weekends with something.
What does a substitutive relationship entail? It would seem that a person, leaving suffering, tries to overcome heartache, to prove to yourself that life is not over and you can continue to rejoice and have fun ... The paradox of such a "romance" is that it is not experienced at all like mature relationship love.
How to identify substitution relationships?
A partner who has recently gone through a breakup often remembers the ex-partner with pain, fantasizes about him, talks about him with others, including with a new partner. The new partner is more valuable for sex and comfort, they are of little interest as a person. Relationships can be maintained in order not to be alone, not to have the status of “without a partner”, and not at all for the sake of interest in a person and the value of joint experiences.
Mood swings are markers of substitution relationships. As a rule, it takes time for the experience of a breakup to be experienced and integrated into a biographical story. After a breakup, a person experiences many ambivalent (multidirectional) feelings for an ex-partner: affection, anger, guilt, shame, love, sadness. At the same time, in the early stages after the breakup, he is not able to clearly understand these feelings and their source, and they can spontaneously be directed to a new partner.
It is also important that often in such a relationship the need to prove to the ex-partner that "I'm doing well" is realized. Social networks help modern people a lot in this (you can show photos, videos, write optimistic posts to all your friends). The inability to endure the damage caused by a break or divorce to one's own Self makes one prove to oneself and the ex-partner that "I am worthy of love."
Thus, the danger arises both for the survivor of the breakup and for his new partner. The partner turns out to be unconsciously used as a comforter, "vest", but he is not considered and experienced as a person, they are not interested in his inner world. The one who seeks consolation is often quickly disappointed, because he was not ready for a love relationship.
What do psychologists think about substitutive relationships?
In general, entering into a new relationship immediately after a breakup is not recommended. First, it is important to realize that the pain and sadness experienced after a breakup are appropriate situations of loss of feeling that must be lived, not eliminated. The ability to live difficult feelings (rather than move away from them) is the emotional maturity of an adult.
Secondly, jumping into a new relationship closes the path to a deep reflection on the old ones. Having comprehended the complexities of old relationships, a person can realize and formulate for himself those aspects of them that suited him and those that did not satisfy him, as well as what exactly he would like to see in a new relationship. Thus, the quick decision in this case does not mean the optimal one.
Third, the need for comfort and healing from a breakup may not match the expectations of a new partner. Then the relationship can end quickly and dramatically, while you can inflict mental wound a man who has nothing to do with the old love story. In this case, the chain of "broken hearts" can be lengthened, and hardly anyone can benefit from this process. In this sense, it is important, entering into a new relationship after the previous one that has just ended, to ask yourself the question: “Why am I doing this? What do I want?
Do substitutive relationships always lead to negative consequences?
Although the above arguments against substitution seem to be quite logical and psychologically sound, scientific studies of this phenomenon do not confirm its negative impact on human life. In particular, there is evidence that the length of time from divorce to remarriage has nothing to do with the quality of the new relationship (Walfinger, 2006). So far, this kind of data has been obtained only in terms of matrimony, and it is not known whether this is true for any partnerships.
As arguments explaining the results of the study, one can consider the fact that for a family (especially if it has children), the presence of two spouses is associated with a higher material condition, a sense of security, and a quality of life in general, and then, the shorter the period in which all responsibility lies with one person, the better. However, the same study shows that the presence of children from the first marriage in a remarriage is a factor that reduces relationship satisfaction.
Another question is this: are all relationships that have arisen immediately after the break of the previous ones, are vicarious? It is not easy to give an answer to it, because no one has described and formulated the norms into which all people can be entered at once. People differ among themselves in psychological properties, the characteristics of their relationships differ, - therefore, relationships also end in different ways. Often a breakup and divorce occurs when most of the parting partners have recycled and divorce is perceived as liberation. In this case, new relationships may arise even before the divorce or immediately after it, and will not necessarily be of a substitutive nature. If both partners in a new relationship experience the openness and sincerity of the partner, his interest, the opportunity to discuss feelings and thoughts related to previous relationships, then they probably have every reason to be together.
As a rule, all novels begin beautifully: flowers, poems, sweets, boat trips, meetings at the monument and romantic gatherings on a bench in the city center. If they end, then in different ways: after betrayal or even without thinking about it, by mutual agreement or at the initiative of one of the partners, with confusion, or, conversely, easily and freely. After realizing this, the question always arises: “What to do next?” Is it worth taking a break to relax and sort out your feelings, or is it better to start a new relationship sooner?
At first glance, the question is simple, it has only two possible answers. But each opinion has its champions and opponents. Someone thinks that it is necessary to switch more quickly, and someone that you need to be alone with yourself. Who is right?
In a pool with a head
A short soap opera based on real events, codenamed "breakups and their role in personal life." Christina broke up with Pavel. For two years they lived together, went on vacation to the most exotic corners of the world and made plans for the future. Therefore, when Christina packed her things, called a taxi, settled with a friend and began to monitor sites in search of a separate home, it came as a surprise to everyone. On Facebook, her status quickly changed to “free”, and when asked by friends about the reasons for the breakup, she answered in all seriousness: “I fell out of love!” Happens.
The situation seems to be understandable - Pavel suffers, and Christina flies on the wings of freedom into a new bright future, where it will be more and more passionate, interesting, and where love should certainly be. But a month later, both find new partners for themselves. Through friends, Pavel meets a girl who does not even remotely resemble Christina, and it seems to him that this will distract and entertain him, and hurt his ex. After all, photos with a new busty passion appear on Facebook with the regularity of a daily news publication. He really has fun, but he can’t get distracted. A few months later it turns out that new girl, whatever one may say - really not Christina and not ideal at all. However, he almost doesn't care about Christina either. Yes, she lives her own life. In the interim, another victim appears in the story, and Pavel experiences another breakup. Two partings in a short period of time is another test for any psyche.
To be continued. Christina, not having time to enjoy the freedom and loneliness, which, according to her, was very lacking before, also begins a new relationship. It's hard to resist when a new fan floods with flowers, praises, catches every word and wish, tries to please. But after a while, she, just like her ex, understands that, despite beautiful courtship, words and deeds, this is not at all the person who is needed. And since the memories of the breakup are still alive, it is still difficult to believe in a better outcome. Another victim appears, and this time, instead of a feeling of lightness and freedom, Christina gets anxiety, self-doubt and in the future. Doubts are added about the correctness of understanding what she needs, who she needs and what she wants. Life becomes more and more stupid and meaningless, and she begins to consider herself an insensitive monster.
There is no crime in the situation, as they say "people meet, people fall in love, get married." And also disperse, leave, meet others. This is fine. It only took a pause. Any separation requires analysis. Painful or light, long or fast, calm or bordering on the desire to die. It is important to stop, think, draw conclusions. People quite often rush, rather try to start a new relationship after a divorce and hurt themselves and those they are drawn in more. What to do? Go into soul-searching and be sad, looking out the window? Write down your experiences in a notebook, cherish fears, or maybe immediately make an appointment with a psychotherapist?
Put it on pause
The psychotherapist, of course, is the way out, but you can try to go the other way. In one thing, Paul is certainly right: being distracted and having fun is one of the important transitional stages. But it is not necessary to be distracted by a new object. You need to entertain yourself, although it is difficult. After all, moving into the status of a “lone wolf”, you have to learn to entertain yourself on your own. Almost like in a joke about red caviar - you have to force yourself.
Loneliness is a wonderful thing, you just need to know how to properly dispose of it. Being in a relationship, we often lose the pronoun "I" in the pronoun "we" not only at the level of vocabulary. Parting is an occasion to remember that it is “I” who loves and dislikes, without looking back at anyone. Remember what “I” enjoy and understand what I continue to do out of habit. Loneliness is an excuse to take time for yourself. From any beauty routine to abandoned hobbies that you never had time for while you were in a relationship. And then there are relatives, friends, former classmates, classmates and just like-minded people whom you met on the Internet, but could not meet in any way. Active and positive loneliness is useful, and how long it will last: a month, three or a year is up to you. You will enter into a new relationship with a chance not to repeat past mistakes. In addition, when you are self-sufficient and interesting, it increases the likelihood of seeing someone who will be interesting not because he “reminds Vasya” or, conversely, does not look like him at all, but opposites attract. You can open a new chapter in your life without looking back at the past.
Better to do and regret than not to do and regret
Of course, there are exceptions to any rule. Here you are walking down the street all tear-stained and upset, rolling with an unhappy look on wheels, thinking about what kind of a scoundrel you have been for half an hour already. And here he is! He grabs a suitcase, puts you in the car, holds out a wet napkin with the smell of chamomile, and now “you are in a Tarantino movie in a silver car.” And live happily ever after. This is exactly the story that happened to Olesya. After parting with Igor, the girl did not leave the house for a week. Her condition has already begun to disturb her relatives. Sergey just made a mistake with the apartment, but when he saw Olesya crying, he decided to cheer her up. Practically pulled out to a nearby coffee shop, fed me ice cream and took me for a walk. Sergey Olesya did not feel sorry, did not console, did not try to become her vest. But for the fifth year now they have been together, signed three years ago, and a year ago they had a wonderful baby Alyoshka.
Now it’s irrelevant to find out if Olesya managed to tell Sergey something like “I’m afraid of a new relationship” or at least think about it. Sometimes life throws up romantic plots that are much more twisted and less believable than in the movies. Well, pauses can be short and long, but not always necessarily "MKhAT".
A too long pause is an extreme. At least because it becomes difficult to enter into a new relationship, and the further, the more difficult. It begins to seem that one is easier, freer, and safer. No one will offend, no one will limit, no one needs to adapt to anyone. And less likely to be wrong again. Life passes in pursuit of an invented, non-existent ideal; none of the real men can stand comparison with it. Everyone can hurt, and no one will guarantee that sooner or later a new relationship will not end. The fear of parting becomes prevalent. Fearing to make a mistake, we miss opportunities, in fact limiting ourselves. And if time passes, and you are all cautious, you are left alone and you can’t press the desired button in any way, you should think about where it is and why the mechanism has been idle for so long.
Probably, a real feeling can be frightened off or confused, mixed with other feelings left over from the past. A breakup is always stressful, but how to understand that it is love in a tense situation? It is difficult to evaluate a new connection objectively without comparing it with the one that just ended. The secret is that a new relationship cannot be better or worse. They are different. Feel the difference.
adminWestern psychologists warn against a quick relationship after parting. In our country, the method is widespread: “The wedge is knocked out with a wedge.” What is the danger of a new relationship after a breakup, what stages of reflection must be experienced, and how to properly distract from negative emotions?
Parting is always stressful, no matter how it was - stormy or peaceful. It hurts the people left behind, but the imprint on the state of mind remains on the initiators of the gap. It is sometimes difficult to understand the range of feelings: pain, guilt, bitterness of loss, low self-esteem, jealousy, fear of loneliness. All of them deform the inner world, up to complete spiritual devastation.
For each person, the recovery period is individual. But it is necessary and inevitable. This must be remembered when diving into the darkest. As well as the fact that everything passes. Even if at this moment, it seems to you that life is over.
In behavior after parting, several stages go through, in different combinations, depending on the quality of the broken relationship, its duration and the reason for the end:
Contradiction. When with pleasure (or revenge) they do what was impossible or undesirable at the time life together with a partner: dress differently, attend some places or events, communicate with “non grata girlfriends”. Psychologists approve of such actions, but they should not be thoughtless, to the detriment of oneself, or senselessly "out of spite."
Anger, jealousy and aggression. Negative feelings should not be hidden. Want to cry? Cry. Want to swear? Scream. But to go to extremes: to pursue, to take revenge, to “sling mud” at your ex is unacceptable. Moreover, when the intensity of passions passes (and it will definitely pass), there will also be a feeling of shame or embarrassment.
Resentment, bitterness and regret. Constant memories of happy or special moments are tormented by the fact that they are irrevocable. And all the bad things are pushed aside and blurred in memory. You can not stay in this period for a long time and constantly irritate your heart, and grief, destructive concentration on resentment.
"Replacement". When, consciously or by coincidence, the missing half is replaced by another person. According to reviews, this is the best way to get out of depression. But psychotherapists do not recommend "substitute" relationships because of the negative consequences.
Analysis. After the emotions lose their sharpness, the time for reflection will come.
In general, psychologists have a special formula that calculates how long the pain of loss wears off. This time is much longer than love itself. Although studies, however, conducted only on divorced couples, indicate that the quality of the following relationships is not associated with the length of the period after the breakup.
It takes from three months to a year for a mentally healthy person to go through all the stages of experience after a breakup and start a new relationship. But they don't have to be "substitutions".
Psychotherapists always try to convey to emotionally developed people that negative feelings after a breakup are natural. They both can and should be experienced, and not hidden deep in the subconscious. A situation that has not been completed to the end will pop up at unexpected moments in life, bringing discord and confusion to the soul and mind.
In addition, only after fully experiencing all the stages of "weaning" does the period of analysis come. And when they are comprehended, you can build new ones, of a higher level.
What is the danger of a new relationship after breaking up?
Too hastily started a new relationship after a break closes the door back. Perhaps you should not rush things, if any.
Spending time with a new partner does not been through to the end of parting and draw conclusions from the mistakes of the past. In a fresh relationship, you will not be able to fully experience how the dead end of emotional devastation is replaced by just sadness. A clear understanding of who is needed for happiness and what it is for you will not come. And how to avoid previous mistakes with the next applicant.
To use a new defendant solely for sex, consolation, to distract himself without notifying him about it is vile. There is a risk that he will later experience pain similar to yours.
Sometimes, people themselves tend to believe fiction. And easily confusing the fear of loneliness with sympathy, or in gratitude for the attention with low self-esteem, you can find yourself connected with a new relationship, in fact, with a stranger. And with a weak will, some may never be able to get out of them, having spent many years on a mirage.
When people deliberately choose the unloved for later life, arguing that "since great love turned out to be a lie, then what's the difference" - this also does not end with a happy ending.
Sometimes, it is difficult to fully understand whether “replacement” is or is it really an advent. It depends on whether they broke up unexpectedly previous relationships or this process went on for a long time, making it possible to feel some of the stages of parting in a couple.
Sometimes a person himself does not realize he needs a new relationship or this is a “substitute” option. There are a number of clear markers:
If a new partner is not interested as a person, his feelings are not taken into account. And they are used only for consolation and sex.
They constantly talk about the former passion.
On the contrary, they do not want to say anything and discuss categorically.
Expose new relationships for show, for example, in social networks.
Frequent mood swings and negative emotions that are deliberately splashed out on the one who is nearby, although they are directed to the source of suffering.
The best option would be to honestly confess to the new gentleman about the recent breakup and your pain, to offer friendship. Do not be afraid that you will be left alone, that you will miss "true" love. If this is “your” person, he will help, support and wait until the emotional whirlwind subsides.
It is clear that when parting, it seems that the world has frozen and there is no desire to live. It is extremely difficult to control oneself, especially at an acute moment, when after a break it seems that you will suffocate from sobs. Once the first phase of despair has passed, you can try to relieve mental anguish in the following ways:
Shift your focus from your suffering to the feelings of others. Help someone who is sicker and worse than you: a sick child, an elderly relative, a disabled person, refugees. Empathy and compassion, but not in words, but in action, immediately shows the world from a completely different side.
Write on a piece of paper all your grievances and disappointments. Understand that the blame is on the former partner for unjustified your there is no desire. Forgive him.
Try to meet for the last time to say goodbye, without making claims and quarrels. The point set by you can also give reassurance.
Stay away from family and friends. Accept their sympathy, do not be ashamed of pity. Want to be alone? But it is a dangerous way to remember all the painful moments again. Communicate more.
Take up a hobby or something you've been putting off for a long time. Start learning something new, like a foreign language. Work also helps a lot to distract from sad thoughts. There are many stories that it was after the breakup that the career went up.
Intense sports loads also burn negative emotional energy.
If possible, take a trip. Or change the scenery for a while.
Or at least change the interior of the house, update the decor. At the very least, take away the items donated by the old partner.
Don't be afraid to meet new people. Do not rush things, but you should not close yourself from relationships forever.
In order not to repeat the situation of parting in different scenarios, it is necessary to learn lessons. The danger of a new relationship after a breakup is precisely in the “blurring” of a clear understanding of the reasons. Think about your mistakes in order to gain knowledge: why it happened, how to relieve the unceasing pain, and not drown it out and
This analysis - should not be self-flagellation or shifting all the blame on the former partner, but a means of getting out of an emotional impasse. Which will make it possible to look at what is happening with different eyes and in the future will help to build new harmonious ones and with a person more suitable for this.
After a divorce from a beloved man or woman, you still need to move on with your life. You should not put an end to yourself, disappointed in one partner. After emotions and resentment have subsided, tears no longer well up in your eyes, you can think about how to arrange your personal life. Find a new true love quite possible. About how to start a new relationship after breaking up, and will be discussed in this article.
Such a serious and sad event as the dissolution of a marriage and parting does not pass without a trace for anyone. This is a time of disappointment, resentment, uncertainty, fear for the future. Men and women who go through a divorce don't always get over it quickly.
Psychology highlights the main problems that people face after a breakup.
However, in some women, flirting, as they say, is in the blood. But shy young ladies, who, even before their first marriage, allowed themselves little in this regard, after a failure with a man, they can close themselves even more and get confused.
Many husbands stop showing signs of attention to their spouses. Joint life and established relationships do not seem to be pushing for this - after all, there is no need to win anyone's heart. Having started courting a new passion, they are not attentive enough, which often repels girls and women.
The same applies to men. Desiring an ideal relationship with a new wife, they begin to make sometimes difficult demands. Trying to find a dream girl, such a man misses real opportunities. Naturally, the relationship that has just begun does not work out due to the unwillingness and inability to accept new love as it is.
As if holding mourning for a broken marriage, they reject all attempts to help them, withdraw into themselves, do not make further plans. In such a situation, life seems to stop, and a person lives only in the past.
For men and women who have gone through a divorce, experts give some useful advice.
Thus, you will get a double effect: you will develop your abilities and meet new passionate people. Having a common hobby or activity makes it much easier to start a relationship.
