The son is on a bench in the locker room of the group.
It's all your fault," he yells. The face is red, tears are shining in the eyes.
Instead of putting on pantyhose, he waves them, demanding:
Say-and-and! Where is the front, where is the back?
Pantyhose fly in front of my nose. I am lost from screams from scratch. For two years, he dresses on his own. This skill sets him apart from his peers in the garden.
It's all your fault!
I am silent. For the first six months, it started up in response to whims. Now I have learned to pull myself together when I want to yell back or slap my ass.
You don't help me! It's your fault!
I guess what's the matter. How it hurts in the chest. “Be patient, it hurts even more,” I tell myself, realizing the reason. Exactly. Lived for 10 days with dad, who for 2 years cannot forgive a divorce and pours his pain into children's ears.
Yes, of course, it’s my fault, - I answer as calmly as possible and stroke my little son on the back, - if it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t exist. Because I gave birth to you!
5 minutes of patience, and the screams come to naught. Tights, pants, sneakers are on. The son threw out the tension and joyfully runs to the exit.
Keeps not only material dependence on the spouse, but also unwillingness to hurt children
I do not grab the phone, although my hands reach out by themselves. I would like to curse (which, as a well-bred lady, in 99% of cases I don’t allow myself) the second “culprit” of the fact that our children were born.
There are three of them. The daughter was born at the very peak of the conflict, when a divorce was already inevitable.
There are many reasons for divorce. One of them is our desire to be perfect. Ideal spouses, parents. Perhaps my story will help someone hear the alarm bells. And find the strength in yourself to start changing something before it's too late.
When I finally decided to get a divorce, my eldest son was 4.5 years old, the middle one was 2.5 years old (he was waving tights in the locker room), my daughter was preparing for the birth. When I say that I left my husband with three small children, the women are shocked. Men try to hide their attitude.
And for me, a phrase from a familiar mother of two children: “I would have divorced a long time ago, but where am I alone with them?” sounded good back in 2011. When a woman depends on a man financially, she resigns herself for the sake of the safety of her offspring to the fact that she is not satisfied in marriage and in a partner.
Although it keeps not only material dependence on the spouse, but also the unwillingness to hurt children, the fear of condemnation. Unwillingness to admit the failure of the project called "family".
I left, burning all the bridges. I could stay in the family only by becoming a walking corpse, who almost does not care what is happening around. A man of indeterminate sex with an extinct look forever.
Oddly enough, it all started with a desire to be happy. And build your business. When future husband wanted me to go with him to another city, my parents dissuaded me a lot (we had known him for one week). Mom was afraid that I would not be able to cope. That our relationship will end in 3 years. Then I said to myself (probably out of a desire to prove to my mother that she was wrong): “I will be happy!”
Mom was wrong. We lived together not 3, but 11 years. I was even more wrong than my mother. Having fallen into the trap of positive thinking, she tried to see pluses in her husband and in the situation.
I tried not to notice that all his stories are about treacherous wives and bad mothers in the background. good men. My ego was warmed by the thought: "If he is so disappointed in women and chose me, then I'm special." She accepted him for who he is. She followed his principles and views, abandoning her own.
When the situation requires it, I learn to live in Spartan conditions. Sometimes there is nothing to eat. But we "do not lose heart" or pretend. We practice healthy fasting. And we live by the principle "No debts and loans." We do not ask for help, even from parents. We don't have friends. No time to be friends. We are moving towards the goal.
For the sake of achieving it, we do not get a hired job.
Even when I went to “cold sales” at the 8th month, my husband did not look for an opportunity to earn extra money. It will distract from the goal, throw back, eat time. And I could not convey how hard it is for me, mentally and physically. I just did.
Her husband's perseverance was admirable. And I admired. She was a comrade-in-arms and comrade-in-arms. Only 10 years later I realized that I did not live then. Fought and fought. At the negotiations - for the right to possess other people's money. At home - for the right not to go to this war. The second battle was invariably lost.
From a life-tormented draft horse, I began to slowly turn into a living person.
In parallel with the business, we are building a family. It seems to work. He seems to be the head. Hanging up a sign: “I am on strategic issues”, makes decisions, takes official responsibility.
The case was started by him, framed on him. Mortgage - on it. So why is there so much humility in my decision to be a "sales person" in a joint business? Why is there a flag flying over this decision: “If you want to be together, sales cannot be avoided”?
Why is fear covering me? It is logical, because at the moment when I have a newborn baby in my arms, it depends on my selling texts how soon we can pay off the mortgage and whether we can do it at all ... Out of fear for the children, I am more and more harnessed to the cart: work, children, garden ... every day I look more like a draft horse than a woman. There is no time to ask yourself the question: “Why?”
Even when the mortgage was paid off, I couldn't stop. Probably, in order not to look for answers to the questions: why in our life together so little joint? Where is the joy? Yes, there is business, bed, conversations on his favorite topics, children. And it's all? Is this enough?
Why is the retribution for many of the decisions that we made “together” so heavily placed only on my shoulders?
Decided that children should not wear disposable diapers. Who wakes up 5 times a night to change diapers? Who rushes home with a stroller because the child peed on a walk in -25 ° C?
The first time I "bounced" when our first child was denied access to developmental classes because he described the carpet of the Montessori Center for the third time.
So don't take me to class," said the husband.
It seemed unthinkable to me to deprive a child of education and development because of some principle. I bought diapers at least to put on for an hour in the center.
The second time I didn't buck. A new thought process just started when a frightening thought crept into my mind: “What will happen to me and the children (there were two of them at that time) if something happens to him?”
We had a joint business registered in his name. According to the law, the right to enter into an inheritance is 6 months. How can I survive these six months with my children if the whole system from which I extract money by writing sales letters stops?
She blamed herself for such thoughts and therefore did not discuss the issue of her safety with him (in our country it is somehow not customary to talk with a person that, thinking about his death, you worry about yourself). She didn't even allow herself to think about it. But, apparently, in the subconscious, the process began.
I began to gain strength. Look for opportunities. Recognize desires. Get training. Seek what will give me to drink the fullness of life. From a life-tormented draft horse, she slowly began to turn into a living person. I started (for the first time in 10 years of marriage) to read books not only on copywriting, sales and about children, but what I like. I bought a laptop and enjoyed the spring, because I could sit not in the house, but under the blossoming apple trees in our garden. I felt my true self come back to me.
Fell in love. I wanted to leave my family. I was condemned. At that moment, the parents refused to support, saying: “Try to save the family. You have children." It hurt that my parents weren't on my side. Who then at all for me? Is the whole world against it? It seemed like they were the only ones who could help.
I was on the 7th month and decided “suddenly” that I have the right to be on maternity leave
Listened to parental advice. For six months, when we were trying to save the family, he gave flowers and even once took him to a restaurant 170 km away. Surprised by breakfast. Did a massage. He gave me books to read on how to be a proper Vedic wife.
But I could not forgive myself or him for the super efforts that I made on myself when we were moving towards common goals. Yes, I have become strong. And thank him for that. But the Woman, put on a starvation ration of denial of desires, was dying too painfully in me.
If I lived in the city, I would just leave with the children while he was at work, in English. But my husband did not go to work, and we lived 320 km from the nearest large city: it seemed that I simply had nowhere to go ... Therefore, we still lived together.
The third time I couldn't take it. She refused to write selling texts on a topic that had long ceased to be interesting. Yes, she feeds us. But what this process took from me cannot be measured in money. It was as if a huge black hole was forming in me, through which a powerful vacuum cleaner pumped out the joy of life and moral strength.
I was 7 months pregnant and decided "suddenly" that I have the right to be on maternity leave, at least once. Refused to inhabit a black hole again. I couldn't stop noticing how it was eating me from the inside.
My husband (and business partner all rolled into one) urged me to "get back in business." For the first time, he failed to convince me. I decided to stop being a fighting friend, a comrade-in-arms. I wanted to be and feel like a woman. I was expecting a daughter. This increased responsibility.
What I can give her now, while she is inside, is energy and health. She didn't want the black hole to take what was intended for the baby. I tried to explain this to my husband. But in 10 years I have not learned to speak in a language he understands about what is critically important to me. Then she simply went into not doing and not talking about it.
In my decision to transfer the right of earner to him, I remained firm as a rock for two months. I had to beat myself on the hands, because work is also a drug. I already said: "Learn to write yourself."
I didn’t take it seriously, I didn’t want to grow in this direction. 'Cause I've always let myself be persuaded.
Approached New Year. This is a time of joy and anxiety for entrepreneurs. Because on New Year's Eve you can make good money or suck your paw all January if you fail.
When I saw how he earned less than five thousand rubles instead of a potential 200 thousand rubles, I had to make a difficult decision: be patient and let him learn from his mistakes, starving himself and depriving children, or take sales into my own hands again?
I realized that in two or three weeks, when there would be nothing to eat, I would give up under his pressure and again become a workhorse, depressingly wandering in a circle. Decided to take a pro-active position. Thought out the letter and sent it to subscribers. It felt like I was jumping into the last car of a departing train.
For me then the family was something sacred. Divorce was seen as a failure and a disgrace
An hour later, the payment system exploded from applications. There was money for a month and a half of a quiet life. Then I realized that I would not be lost alone. I insisted that he give me 1/3 of the profits. And I went to my parents. I needed the strength to make a final decision.
Yes. After all, I was thinking about divorce for a year and a half. In the last month, she suggested finding options when he would take on more responsibility for children and earnings, and I could exhale.
If, when I said that I was getting a divorce, instead of hysteria, manipulating children and tightening screws, he would have tried to listen to my needs, I would have stayed.
For me then the family was something sacred. Divorce was seen as a failure and a disgrace. The collapse of life values. Of course, I did not want to be the initiator. But living with someone who denies you is suicidal. And I was saved. Having received help from a psychologist, a friend and parents, she began to fight for the right to be herself.
When we got divorced, I learned that the environment considered our family a role model. Men cited me as an example to their wives: here, they say, is how to support a husband and his authority.
For 10 years I tried to be perfect. I sincerely considered myself lucky. But it turned out that with admiration, support and selfless plowing for the benefit of the family, I only inflated the male ego to incredible proportions.
Be kind to your loved ones and to yourself. The family is not just a unit of society
My responsibility is that I did not know how to realize and convey my needs to him and did not understand that without this - death. And you need to do this from the very beginning of the relationship. It is hardly possible to quickly retrain when 10 years allowed otherwise.
It is we who teach other people how to treat us and how not to. From the first meeting and all my life. The attempt to deceive nature failed. When it ceased to appear, and began to simply “be”, it turned out that my husband could not accept me. By hook or by crook, he tried to shove me back into the Procrustean bed of his ideal wife. But it was no longer the right size.
P.S. I am still for the family. Not a supporter of divorce. Indeed, it is scary to look into the soul and understand what is happening with children whose parents are divorced. But it is hardly better in the soul of those children whose parents, although together, both (or one of them) have turned into "spiritual mannequins."
Be kind to your loved ones and to yourself. The family is not just a cell of society. Let it become a place where everyone is happy.
The first shock has passed. Thank you all for your support.
The main thing is that constructive thinking has returned.
1) I agreed at work with my boss (luckily for me, she also turned out to be pregnant and easily entered my position) that I would be paid maternity benefits based on the full salary - in total for 6.5 months with twins. This money is enough for about 1.5 years, taking into account that my current nanny-assistant will stay to pick up the child after kindergarten and take him to courses and for one trip in the summer with the whole family somewhere, apparently not far away - I don’t want to take the kids to the sea. There is also a cottage of 24 acres, where children will have expanse. Far away, true, but clean air;
2) After 1.5-2 years, I still want to go to work. So far, my current salary is enough for both a household assistant and a nanny. No one, of course, knows what will happen in 2-3 years. But I hope that it will be enough in these few years.
3) I came up with the idea of renting out my apartment in Moscow and renting in the Moscow region - the difference is significant. And this money will again go to the budget. It remains only to look for a decent school and choose the area.
4) I establish friendly relations with my husband. I involve in the search for a school for the child, the choice of a doctor, a maternity hospital. Discussed his terms of reference after my birth. He says he is ready to help. Today I sent him for an interview - I hope they will take him. If you manage to arrange it at my suggestion, it will be easier to agree on the part of the salary that he will give to the children. But yesterday he confirmed his intention to earn and help us with money. We continue to live separately. I plan to maintain friendly relations with him in the future - in this case, this is the most optimal so far.
5) I agree with grandmothers about what kind of help someone can provide - sit, take a walk. I make schedules, I listen to wishes. I won't force anyone, of course. I don't want to throw my problems onto other people's shoulders. But they seem to want to help. God forbid that desires do not run dry.
6) Friends collect dowries for children. There seems to be a lot of stuff. This item of expenditure is slowly disappearing. What a blessing to have friends!
Thanks to all those who supported me here. It helped me a lot to get my fighting spirit back and keep moving forward. Thank you for your positive feedback, kindness and honesty. You helped me get out of a state of depression that threatened to develop into a chronic one. Thanks again to everyone!!!
Separately, I would like to say a few words to people who, apparently, find some kind of sadistic pleasure in the fact that someone is blasphemed, condemned, rude, uncivilized and insulted, without really understanding the situation. It only speaks of your narrow-mindedness, stupidity and malice. Thankfully, there aren't many of you. I remind you that the topic of this topic does not include a discussion of the reasons that led to this situation. Believe me, if I wanted to ask you about it, I would have done it. But I'm not interested in your opinion on this matter. I only briefly described the situation so that the picture is complete and excludes some additional questions. Everything is not as obvious as it seems to your meager mind. If you want to take out your anger on this world, choose another place. And if you have nothing to say on the subject of the topic, get out of here. I am sure that for people who are so overwhelmed with anger and rudeness, things themselves are not so smooth in this life.
"... I'm probably not the first and not the last to whom such a story happens. My husband left me and the children. It hurts, not for myself anymore, but for the children. What will I tell them when they grow up and questions about him begin ?! Our family didn’t finish even a year, as it went at the seams.
A few months ago, triplets were born in one of the capital's maternity hospitals: two girls and a boy. Significant event. Khayala is the mother of these beautiful kids, but dad... Dad did not come to visit the kids, since that day he has been completely absent from their lives. For him, the birth of three children was ... an unpleasant annoyance.
Many of us dream of a strong, most importantly, complete family. And the vast majority of women imagine that they will marry a loved one, give birth to happy children, become the best parents in the world. Unfortunately, the fairy tale, turning into an unpredictable sinister joke, can collapse at some point.
The story of Khayala's "love and marriage" is as simple and banal as yesterday. We met by chance, met - not for long, and as is customary in good families, after a while, elchi - matchmakers knocked on the door of Khayali's parental house. They got married in February. At that time, the girl was already 29 years old.
"... Did I love him? I never asked myself this question, it was enough that I liked him. At first we lived together, he managed to provide the family with everything necessary. It seemed that everything was fine. True, at times the newly-made husband I drank heavily. At first, it bothered me, but not much. It would pass, I thought. How wrong I was. The only thing that overshadowed me then, and him too, were miscarriages that happened to me twice. We, like obsessed, dreamed about the child. I went through a long course of treatment, after which I became pregnant again. To prevent a miscarriage from happening again, my husband and I decided that I would live with my parents for a while. "
Some time later, Khayala found out that she would become a mother of triplets. Such news did not cause any special emotions in the spouse, in particular, positive ones. The pregnancy was difficult. The girl was placed to preserve the fetuses in the Republican Perinatal Center. Doctors did everything possible to ensure that the babies were born healthy.
I stayed in the center of Khayala for two long months. However, during this time, neither the spouse nor his other relatives visited the future woman in labor. The relationship between the spouses went so wrong that they no longer communicated.
"... From the maternity hospital with newborn children, I went to my mother: alone in the house of a spouse, at first she could not cope with three children at once, and the conditions in her husband's house were not conducive to this. My husband came to my parents only once, and then, being pretty tipsy. After leaving, he managed to borrow money from me. Let it be a small, but quite tangible amount in today's situation for me. And after a while I find out that he refuses our children: allegedly, I became pregnant by artificial insemination. He said and other nonsense. An exhausting showdown over the phone began, which never led to anything. After some time, news reaches me that he married another woman (religious marriage - ed.), without filing a divorce with He wrote to me once that he had found the one and only, with whom he is happy today.
My husband left me with three babies. Sounds cruel, doesn't it? It is difficult to contain emotions, it is simply impossible. He left us with absolutely no guilt or responsibility for his children."
According to Khayala, she had a glimmer of hope that everything would still be formed: her husband, who was addicted to alcohol, would take up his mind, start working, take care of the family, children, and stop drinking. However, no. Here the mother-in-law declared that Khayala was a bad wife, “she didn’t dream of such a daughter-in-law,” while the husband defended, vehemently defended the parent: “I am obliged to love even after such statements.”
"... I would return to him, but now - how ?! He brought a new wife to the house, according to rumors, she is also expecting a child from him - for him, this is apparently very simple. I filed for divorce and alimony."
According to Azerbaijani legislation, non-execution of a court decision - evasion of alimony payments - provides for criminal liability. Under Article 306 of the Criminal Code of Azerbaijan, fathers hiding from payment face 3 years in prison or a fine in the amount of five hundred to one thousand minimum wages.
"... Our family is poor, we can barely make ends meet. They help good people who are aware of our situation: who will bring medicine to children when they are sick, and who will buy food, clothes and diapers for them. Unfortunately, at the moment I am not able to provide them myself, I do not work. We live on my mother's pension, social assistance, and also on a few manats a day that my children's grandfather earns in a tea shop."
It should be noted that in Azerbaijan, working mothers for children under 1 year and 6 months old are given 30 manats, up to 3 years - 20 manats. If the family is low-income and receives targeted social assistance from the state, then each child of this family under the age of 1 year is given an allowance of 45 manats.
"... The child requires expenses, proper care, and now imagine that I have three of them. In August they will be one year old."
From time to time they are left without diapers and cereals for babies - they are in dire need. The father of the children does not give them even a little help.
“I’m tired of tearing my soul, all this is unbearable, I try to control myself, but my hands drop. I look at the children, my heart breaks: how can I cope with three kids alone?! Divorce in itself is a big blow for a woman, and divorce is in my position, with three babies - this is a blow ... triple "...
Zarina Oruj
I read a lot of stories on Bebik in which girls are abandoned with children, go to mistresses, marry new passions, do not pay alimony to their children. How girls try to fight for their family, cling to husbands, loved ones, without whom, as it seems to them, life does not make sense. I want to write my personal experience that I experienced myself and still worry about, but already at the finish line to a happy and joyful life. Maybe it will help someone and give an opportunity to look at their circumstances from a different perspective. And to understand that her story is not unique and you need to adequately go through the trials that have come into your life, understand why this vital lesson was sent to you and get out, and not crawl out of the situation. Not with the feeling of a victim or a beaten dog, but a woman with a strong spirit, responsible for her life. Who worked on herself and her life, was able to survive this difficult stage, learned valuable lessons from it. Learned to be a happy and self-sufficient person. She boldly goes through life and is not afraid to face difficulties.
A year ago, my husband left me and my son, went to his mistress 7 years younger than himself, who at that moment was at the stage of breaking off relations with her husband and she had a daughter from marriage, they all worked together at the same enterprise. She knew that he not free, but she was not stopped either by the fact that I don’t work and I can’t support myself and the only breadwinner in the family is my husband, nor the fact that our son is very small and in general the child needs a father (this is especially important for a boy). Neither is it a spiritual law that breaking up someone else's family is a great sin. Even people who are far from faith know about it. However, she systematically crawled into our lives, of course, at first I didn’t realize how every mother with a baby was completely absorbed by the baby, while Madame purposefully and masterfully treated my husband. By 5 months of our son's life, I began to notice the changes that were happening with my husband, this is coldness, alienation, when he came home he tried to spend as little time with us as possible, he began to spend more time at the computer, then quickly go to bed, began to avoid intimacy, did not part with the phone went out to the balcony with someone talking. I tried to clarify the situation by talking heart to heart with him, he did not make contact, the conversations did not lead to anything. I checked the phone and mail when he was sleeping, everything was clean there, as I later realized (it was well encrypted, deleted everything). I attributed everything to a difficult time, to the fact that he gets tired at work and does not want to bother me, because after giving birth I had a prolonged depression, I was very nervous, I thought that he moved away for this reason. In order not to swear once again with me, seeing my excited state. Everything is open in the summer! We went to my parents, after 2 weeks he stopped calling me, and a week later he stopped picking up the phone, when I got through to him we had a fight over this and he suddenly said let's get a divorce, I endured too long, I was in shock. Meanwhile, he had fun with his mistress and friends, went with her and his friends to clubs and karaoke. He brought her to our house in our bed, her neighbors found her drunk, the door to the apartment was wide open, she was lying on our bed sleeping, and there were open bottles and glasses everywhere. Our apartment at the time of my departure turned into a hangout, loud music was playing, left-wing men and girls, parties were constantly spinning. Some child was crying all the time, then, as it turned out, the mistress dragged her little daughter around with her everywhere (how I feel sorry for the baby, she was not lucky with her mother). My brother called him and confronted him with the fact that he puts us on the train and he, as he wants, let him take a day at work, look for an opportunity, meet us. He came for us drunk, cold, without a wedding ring, a complete stranger, with a wolf look. Seeing him like this, I realized that something very terrible had happened, then I still did not know all the details of the situation about which I wrote to you above. From that day my personal HELL began! It takes a long time to describe my whole story, the terrible suffering and humiliation through which my ex-husband and his mistress forced me to go through. I’ll write briefly all the time that I saw him, he was drunk, didn’t spend the night at home, sometimes came to take something from his things, lied to his eyes, dodged, he was indifferent to his son, he was ready to refuse him, he didn’t refuse only for the reason when he found out that he would have to pay alimony anyway, in court he cynically bargained for alimony, he wanted to hang all his debts on me. I terribly blamed myself for not loving, not looking, I was cold, paid little attention to him, was absorbed by my son, etc. Divorce and the first half of the year after his departure from our life I remember poorly, I was in a state of complete inadequacy all the time she was crying, she couldn’t really take care of the house or the child. One day, I realized that if I continue like this, I will slowly kill myself, and for one I will shake the psyche of my little son, who at that moment really needed me and I didn’t pay him due attention at all. The prospect of rattling into a durke sobered me up a bit. And I began to work on myself. The first point in my recovery was to find a good adequate psychologist, which I did. The psychologist turned out to be a believer and very tactful person, later she became my close friend. We met with her every week, I told how I lived this time, how I worked on myself, she gave me homework that I did. We talked a lot about my inner state about those moments that should be given the most time, in my case it was resentment and guilt.
The second thing that helped me survive the collapse of our family is prayer. As a believer, I prayed every day for myself, for my son, for my ex-husband. She asked me to give me the strength to survive, to endure this critical moment.
The third point was not under any pretext not to learn anything about ex-husband and his life without us. I asked our mutual friends and my girlfriends not to tell anything about him and his passion in my presence. I didn’t rummage through social networks, I didn’t go to their pages, because I’m not a masochist, I had another goal to forget him, and this is a mandatory item on the road to recovery. Block all channels through which information about a person can reach.
I also had a swing, this is such a state when you start to remember all the cool, sweet moments of life together, kisses, hugs, intimacy, good days, walks, words, and so on. The movement of such thoughts must be cut in the bud, endured, and by an effort of will, switch to other activities. Easy to say hard to do. But this must be done, first of all for you! Because you can stay in this state for a very long time. And there are no positive prospects in this! Only we ourselves can pull ourselves by the hair out of this swamp, longing for bygone days and self-pity.
Another very important point is to be constantly busy, you can live in short periods, do not plan your life for 5 years in advance, but paint on a piece of paper for yourself tasks for the day what you will do tomorrow. What are your plans, it’s also very good to help others, it significantly eases your own pain (tested on yourself) you can help in a shelter for homeless animals, there are always not enough volunteers, elderly, lonely, sick people, in your city there are a lot of people who much worse than you and your problems are not as terrible as it might seem at first glance. You can come up with something for a holiday in a kindergarten, at a child’s school, do creativity with children, feed pigeons, make feeders, paint or fix something in the country, in the village if you have them, help one of the relatives in their affairs . Those who have a car can provide all possible assistance to temples, rehabilitation centers, animal shelters, they often look for people who could help with transportation, volunteers are needed in baby houses, you can donate blood, it is constantly required and is never superfluous. The main thing is not to turn sour in the swamp self-pity and thoughts of bygone times.
I want to write a little about alimony. Dear ladies, do not wait for the weather by the sea, do not flatter yourself with the illusion that your loved one will come to his senses and return, will support you and your child. Apply for alimony. Believe me, if a father loves his children, he will support and take care of their well-being even after leaving the family. As practice shows, this is a fairly rare occurrence, when a father voluntarily makes deductions for a child left in the care of his mother, there is no need to play Mother Teresa and drag out a claim for alimony.
I also searched the Internet for help with my questions and came across two very interesting resources, one of them practical forum on experiencing crisis situations in the family, he helped me a lot to understand myself and my condition, after reading the site and its stories, I was extremely surprised how many difficult situations there are, what recommendations are given to overcome internal experiences, it is described in detail about the algorithm of actions in case of betrayal, leaving second half. Most of all, I was struck by how many men there were who were abandoned by their wives, and these men are not crooks and not alcoholics. Good family men, decent husbands and loving fathers. I liked the topic of the author Lucinano, I just could not pass by, he painted everything specifically and with examples from his life, he wrote the truth for men, but it is also suitable for women too.
I read men's topics on the forum, they are all very similar, I want to help everyone, but there is not enough time to write in detail in each topic. So I decided to create a general topic and write my thoughts here. I hope this will be useful to someone. I took some thoughts from my earlier posts.
First of all, I want to note the following things:
1. Please treat this topic not as a guide to action, but as a call for reflection. Everyone's situation, although similar, is still somewhat different, and my recommendations should be applied to the current situation in an appropriate way.
2. Please do not be offended by beautiful women that I am addressing men in the subject. I do this not because I want to somehow infringe on our ladies, but simply because I advise from the standpoint of my own experience, and it’s hard for me to imagine how I would behave in the place of a woman. But if my message is useful to our lovely women, then I will only be happy.
3. Unfortunately, I can’t give a recommendation on what and how to do if you and your wife decided to build a family all over again, since my wife and I eventually decided to leave, and I didn’t allow reunification ...
So, you found out that your wife is cheating on you, does not love you, wants to leave, has already left, or something similar has happened. You are devastated, depressed, angry, do not understand anything (the range of feelings can be wide) ...
I once was in your place. This happened to me for the first time, and I also did not know how to act correctly. Now I know much more than then, and would have behaved quite differently. However, I came up with many things myself intuitively, but I also made a lot of mistakes. Below are the theses and advice that I took from my own experience.
1. Life does not end there. Every person has a desire for personal happiness. Imagine that happiness is on a high hill, and you are at the foot of this hill. You can climb a hill with many paths, you do not need to dwell on the path that you walked the previous segment of your life. Believe me, she is not the only one, and the path to happiness does not end even with a divorce. Even such a sad event as a divorce can be seen as the first page of a new chapter in your life. Remember that you always have a choice of paths to happiness, a choice makes your behavior free and relaxed, your life more interesting and exciting.
2. Often our problem is that we put another person above our desires and aspirations, we subordinate our lives to him, we make him an idol. Remember that for a person the most important thing is harmony, external and internal, and the main purpose of a man is to express himself in the world external to the family - creativity, profession, extraction of that very mammoth, knowledge of the world, knowledge of God. A man should have a BUSINESS to which he must selflessly devote himself, and in due time a woman appears next to him, supporting and helping him, a companion and keeper of the hearth. No need to make a goddess out of her, put on a pedestal and the like. You need to continue your journey with God and with gratitude to him for everything. This position makes you confident, strong, interesting, no woman wants to leave such you. You are big, strong, confident, kind.
3. The woman leaves. You don't have to "fight" for it. The traditional question from a sober observer in such a situation: who are you going to fight with? With your wife? With lover? If you fight with anyone, then only with yourself, and not for her, but for yourself. No need to rush to save everything, fill up with flowers, gifts and confessions, constantly have heart-to-heart conversations. Such actions are late, demonstrate your weakness, and first cause pity in a woman, and then irritation, but do not resurrect love. At such moments, hurt male pride and humiliated pride scream in us, you can’t go on about these feelings.
4. Talking once is still worth it. You must prepare for the conversation, get together, be as calm and confident as possible. Explain to your wife that you are hurt and hard by her behavior/decision. That you may have made mistakes in life, but this did not give her the right to cheat on you. That you do not intend to tolerate her betrayal. That you give her a choice - either stop all communication with her lover, build a family anew with you and God, or go on a solo voyage as a free woman. You must honestly warn her about the most likely scenario of her life, namely, that according to statistics, only 30% of women who leave for another man marry him, and only half of them are happy in this new marriage, i.e. She has a 15% chance of success. If her chosen one is married himself, then divide by another 3 (5%). The most likely scenario is that the passion will pass, her lover will mother and leave her, all the delights of dividing property with you await her, the hearts of the children will be broken for life, shame and bitterness at the thought that she herself destroyed the family will remain with her forever. You offer her a reliable family, you are ready to rebuild the family building and another life together with her. Prepare a speech in advance and give it only once, then only answer her questions. If the wife is thinking, give her the opportunity to make a decision, do not bother or pull her, take care of yourself for now (more on that below). Tell her you're giving her time to make a decision. Give no more than a week, a maximum of two. If the wife refuses, resolutely tunes in to another life, or continues to behave inappropriately after the expiration of the term, completely move away from her and get ready for a divorce (alas). This will be what the forum calls the “magic kick”.
5. Among other things, behind the fear of losing your wife lies self-doubt, thoughts “who needs me”, “how will I be alone now”, the habit of comfort and the like. Now you have been taken out of your comfort zone, and just accept that your life will never be the same as before. And believe that not everything is as bad as it seems in these dark days.
6. Don't whine, don't beg, don't beg, don't pester, don't humiliate yourself, don't go into alcohol. Women don't like the weak.
7. Do not show aggression, do not insult, do not humiliate yourself. It will not give you points, but then there will be a burning shame. Don't do anything right now that you don't respect yourself for. If you want to do something that you are not sure about the worthiness, just try to look from the outside and imagine that it is not you, but another man in another family who wants to do the indicated act, and mentally evaluate him.
8. Self-respect is exactly what you need. Write down on paper your positive qualities for which you are appreciated by other people, other women, yourself. You will see that not everything is so bad, you have something to appreciate. Carry this piece of paper with you (I carry a record on my phone), and read it at a difficult moment. It really helps, I've checked.
9. Analyze your mistakes in marriage, sort them out, remember and draw conclusions. You don't need to beat yourself up. Remember, your mistakes are not a reason for you to change, but you need to accept them as experience so as not to repeat them in the future.
10. Take care of yourself, your personal growth. Fill your life with new things and concerns that will help you grow, such as:
Perhaps you have always wanted to learn something, improve your skills, improve your English - now is the time. immerse yourself in the learning process
- sport. set goals in sports (lose weight, improve your figure, stop suffering from shortness of breath when running, but just accustom yourself to regular workouts). I highly recommend boxing, it clears the head, increases self-esteem, improves physical fitness.
- daily charge
- read more and / or listen to audio books on work, personal development, how to achieve success, etc.
- fight bad habits and activities (drinking, computer games, TV, etc.). forget television programs altogether, watch movies (both gaming and educational)
- pay attention to work, what career opportunities are there in your workplace? maybe it makes sense to become more active, get into new projects, pull the blanket over yourself?
Find a new hobby or revisit an old one. when a person is passionate about something, there is no time to engage in harmful introspection
- Learn to type with the 10-finger method if you don't know how
- remember what you dreamed about in your youth, for sure, some dreams are not too late to realize
List it on your phone and check back periodically for self-stimulation.
11. Pray for your wife (even after a divorce), for your children, for yourself. Ask God to forgive the sins of your wife, your sins, have mercy on you sinners and help your children. Daily prayer helped me a lot and relieved my soul. Order magpie, reading the psalter in a monastery or temple. Read the gospel.
12. Read psychological literature, especially moments related to the struggle with negative emotions (guilt, resentment, anger, etc.)
13. Will want to fill the void with another woman. Avoid it. It can really make you feel better, but then you will be ashamed that you have used a person as a band-aid. Do not start a new relationship earlier than six months later (preferably a year or two). The time will come and you will be able to fill your heart with a new feeling, verified.
14. Do not be afraid for the children. This is the most painful topic, I know and understand this very well. Believe me, the child's psyche is very flexible. Try to give your children more attention, care, come up with joint business, call and write to them more often, take them to you, take them to interesting places, take them on vacation, etc. Be their father, no matter what happens, you didn’t make this mess, so don't eat yourself. Of course, nothing can replace a complete family for children, but believe me that living in a lie or in a family where mom does not love dad is even worse. Be a strong, funny, caring father, the kind that children will be proud of, and not a weak, whining, downtrodden, tormented by dislike being, whom children will not respect. They are now watching and imbibing right and wrong patterns of behavior in family life. You don’t want your daughter to repeat the mistakes of her mother, and your son to become an insecure loser and henpecked?
15. Sometimes pain will roll in, thoughts about the past, difficult feelings, sweet memories. It's a swing. You need to endure and switch at these moments to another activity or prayer. You yearn for that woman who is no longer there, your wife is now completely different, and the old times will not return (you cannot enter the river twice, only into a puddle). Over time, the amplitude of the swing will decrease, the duration of calm, light periods will increase.
16. Do not try to come up with quick and easy solutions on the topic “how to return everything”, some magic phrases, actions and manipulations. Even if you can, with skillful manipulation, return the body (not the soul) of a woman to yourself, the effect will be short-lived and joyless. Get ready for the long haul. Relations between people can change, but it takes months or even years. I myself went through the desire to run somewhere, save and do something, otherwise I would be “late”. It's a delusion.
It is insanely difficult to start doing all this, but you need to force yourself through “I can’t - I don’t want to”, get involved gradually. I am proof of that.
After a while, you will realize that not everything revolves around your relationship and experiences with your wife, you will discover new world for yourself, self-esteem and a sense of inner dignity will grow beyond recognition. Feel like a man, and all decisions will come by themselves. You will be the master of the situation.
I want to warn against a serious mistake. Don't do all of the above to get your wife back. Do it ONLY for yourself, to change your life, to find your own new path to happiness.
By the way, if you do everything as written above, it is very likely that one day your wife (or by that time already ex-wife) wants everything back. Then you will decide what to do. Perhaps your paths will converge again, who knows ... Me, when I was drawn into new life, the ex-wife was no longer needed, since the dependence on her disappeared. Although at first I simply dreamed about this “return” of hers, about the words that she later said to me, etc.
Good luck to you! I wish to find myself, my own personality and destiny. Hold on guys. There is life after infidelity and divorce. Checked.
The second resource is the help of professional psychologists, which is free. You can write your situation there, they will help you find a solution to the problem and direct you in the right direction https://www.b17.ru/
In the end, I would like to write about myself and how my life turned out a year after our breakup.
All year I worked on myself, at first it was difficult to constantly cry, there were swings, it seemed that this terrible state would never end. I fought constantly, occupied myself, played with the child even through my strength, walked with him, prayed a lot, at first I “registered” in the church, went to all the morning services, it became easier. I talked with a psychologist and did all the exercises that she advised me. I found a job at home, gave the child for half a day to a commercial kindergarten, so that the baby could develop and I could work at home and take a break from the child at that time, since we are all the time together. I found a lot of interesting activities - finger painting with a child, walks in the evenings, a pool in the morning 2 times a week. I found something that brings me pleasure, you can find something according to your interests. Now, looking back, I understand that I have become wiser, more far-sighted, calmer, after the departure of BM, many problems disappeared by themselves, including in the household part. We have become very close with my son, I feel his love and affection, he always jumps into my arms and puts his head on his shoulder when I come to pick him up. kindergarten as if we were 100 years apart. I gained spiritual experience, understood my mistakes and accepted them, stopped blaming myself, we are not saints and we all tend to make mistakes, but this is not a reason for us to change and betray. BM, I'm sorry because it's not easy to carry such a heavy burden through life with the stigma of a traitor and a traitor. And you can flaunt as much as you like in front of others, you can’t deceive yourself. I think about him very rarely and without pain. We still do not communicate and I am very grateful to him, for the fact that he has a conscience, not to appear in our lives, after all that heaped up. I also have an old friend who takes care of me. decent guy, doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke, he is a children’s doctor, so far I don’t allow further relations with him at the level of communication, but he doesn’t insist and I respect him very much for this.
I want to wish all of you true female happiness, not hypocritical love, God help you all who go through a difficult crisis path of family relationships !!! With warmth and sincerity to you!!!
P.S Comments expressing aggression, insults and other non-constructive and negative will be deleted.
